In Denial?

A few evenings ago we watched the movie, "Bucket List" - an entertaining, touching, funny movie about two older men (Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson who end up in a 2-man hospital room together, both diagnosed with terminal cancer and they're discussing whether they're in denial. One of them starts up what he calls a "bucket list" - top things he's always wanted to do in life before he "kicks the bucket". They accept the reality of having only a few months to live, discharge themselves from the hospital and do all the things on their list to make the absolute most of the time they have left. I want to see it again soon!

So last night, after forwarding all clocks by an hour, and ending up in bed at what was all of a sudden midnight, and hearing Gerard dropping off to sleep beside me I suddenly thought, "Am I in Denial?" All this talk of our lives and our home being wrapped up in a peace that passes all understanding and being carried by the prayers of the people, and my life being the best it's ever been since I received the diagnosis of cancer...

I had stroke-like symptoms, had a highly technical, sophisticated medical procedure called a CT scan which showed/proved scientifically that I have three cancerous tumours growing in my head. I have trouble balancing, concentrating, orienting myself to time and space, I'm losing weight while at the same time acquiring a round pudgy steroid face, my skin- the main organ of my body- is dry and flaky. This is not normal! I am ill! The diagnosis is Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma.

There it is again! my central nervous system, my weak spot! The cancer has struck my weak spot! In the early 80's shortly after the birth of our three children I experienced what everyone thought was a nervous breakdown. I was in bed completely unable to carry out daily things like make the bed, think of what to feed the family, or care for the kids. My mom came and helped out for a week. I made the rounds of counsellors and doctors. One psychiatrist wrote me a huge re-fillable prescription for tranquilizers. It was easy to take one, feel great, be able to handle life, and I got addicted to them.

We were taking Mark to an alternative allergist at the recommendation of a number of member in our congregation who had experienced amazing life-changing results. He asked me one day how I was doing. I described my experience. He said, "It's allergies. My treatments can help you." With him everything was attributed to allergies and I was skeptical, but figured I couldn't lose. His goal was to strengthen my immune system with shots of carefully measured and monitored shots of hystamine and to make me so well that I would no longer need his treatment. First he recommended I get off the tranquilizers preferably cold-turkey. I did and went through agony for two days. I shivered and sweated, wailed away in front of the mirrow thinking I was going insane, crawled on the floor to the phone and called the Addiction Centre, describing what was going on. Yes, this is an addictive drug, typical withdrawal symptoms, hang in there and if you need us, call again. We're here for you.

My weak central nervous system has caused me a lot of anxiety and panic attacks, living with a condition similar to mild chronic fatigue over the years. This alternative hystamine treatnent has turned my life around dramatically just in time before this doctor was called before the tribunal of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. We attended court, demonstrated, plead our cases on the Fifth Estate, but to no avail. His practice was recently shut down by the College of Physicains and Surgeons.

And now this cancer has hit my weak spot. And I'm not worried, and not thinking of dying. Is this God's doing? Is there a God? is there such a thing as prayer? Or have I all these years just been doing the "right and good Christian" thing, out of habit, out of familiarity, out of comfort? I need to beat this cancer! I want to live - to see the future of our children, to grow gracefully into old age together with Gerard, to support and be with my parents in their old age! So why am I not thinking about dying or afraid of the upcoming chemo rounds becoming cummulative and possibly making me really weak, or sick, of losing my hair, of potentially permanently damage to my brain functions?

I'm living in this unbelievable party atmosphere! Being an extrovert, I'm loving all the visits, phone calls, attention, love and support and thriving on it! So, is this real or am I in total denial?

Is this peace real? Is the feeling of being totally carried on the wings of prayer real? Is there a God? What is prayer anyway? Or is this just one artificial high on steroids and sleep on sleeping pills? Is this a spiritual battle coming on? I can't deal with that now. I need some sleep! I was tempted to break my own new rule of staying in bed all night and was chomping at the bit to run down to the computer to record these thoughts. I forced myself to stay in bed, pulled the covers over my head, wishing for the sleeping pill to kick in, and cried a few feeling-sorrry-for-myself- but-not-really tears which relieved some of the momentary stress and felt myself starting to relax. And slept until 6 am!

It's a good thing it's Sunday today! We're going to church! Walking to church! I'm so thankful I can walk. We're having family coming for a visit this afternoon.

An old song came drifting back into my brain during the night.. the lyrics of
Day by Day from Godspell
Day by day.. Day by day..
O Dear Lord, three things I pray
To see Thee more clearly
Love Thee more dearly
Follow Thee more nearly
Day by day, Day by Day, Day by day...

And who made these green beans grow from tiny seeds in our window sill?

And made these seeds in my first chemo section Jiffy Pot germinate and start to grow?
And how did all this new life emerge from a cold dormant winter time?

Look at the new growth of red swiss chard coming out of the snow!

And the daffodils..

And tulips..

There has to be an Almighty Creator God who brought all these things into being and who upholds and cares for it and us all! There has to be!