Sunday of Canada Day Weekend

On my walk this morning I saw this bus stop sign and all these Canadian flags along the curb. Some summer camps have these signs by the curb of their campers' homes so that the camp bus knows where to stop.  I love this, "air conditioned bus stop"! and I love the flags too.

 Air conditioned bus stop :)

 

Jeff and Alida invited us to Jeff's house for lunch today, along with his parents.  So this was the first time we got to see Jeff's beautiful home where they will be living after the wedding, and we got to meet Jeff's dad for the first time.  We had a wonderful afternoon together!

 one last shot while I still have more hair than Gerard 

 

We decided to go downtown  by subway and then walk to Jeff's from there because, as you know, I love travelling by public transit and it was great to walk around downtown too.  We ran into lots of people from the Pride Parade.  The subway was packed on the way home! It was wonderful to be part of the flow of the city!  

 

this afternoon's dessert, prepared by Jeff's mom - delicious!

Great Day for Gardening!

Today was a perfect day for gardening! Just a bit of rain every now and then, but perfect temperature. Our front flower beds are just a mass of flowers right now.  I try to have something in bloom at all times of the year. Right now there is lots of colour.  In the spring we start with the bulb plants and then I let everything grow that has seeded itself.  From there on in I'm pulling out a lot of plants until we're down to the basic, less crowded arrangement again.

our front yard is just a mass of colour right now!

 

So first there was lots of light blue from the masses of forget-me-nots.  Then the ox-eyed daisies (that I dug out from the side of the highway years ago) took over.  Now these bellflowers (which are also "weeds") are coming into bloom.  I just love them!  Once they're done they get pulled too.

 

tall bellflower - love these "weeds"!

 

But the daisies were lasting too long and getting too wild.  I needed the space for some vegetables, so today I pulled a lot of them out even though they weren't done yet, dug up the area, and seeded radishes, red beets, and the coloured stem swiss chard.  Hope it's not too late for them to get started. And as is our tradition we have the Canadian flag hanging out for Canada Day weekend. 

 



clearing out some daisies to make space for vegetables

 

 

These lilies are just opening up

A Good Start to Our Day

A few weeks ago we received this devotional guide as a gift.  We have been reading it every morning since then and each day it seems to speak to our hearts directly where we are at.  It helps to put our day into perspective.  It is written in the first person as if Jesus is speaking.

 

devotional book we received as a gift

Here is the devotional that put our day into perspective and started us off in the right direction this morning:

Stay calmly conscious of Me today, no matter what. Remember that I go before you as well as with you into the day.  Nothing takes Me by surprise.  I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, as long as you look to Me.  I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents.  Collaborating with Me brings blessings that far outweigh all your troubles.  Awareness of My Presence contains Joy that can endure all eventualities.  Based on Psalm 23:1-4, 2 Corinthians 4:16-17.  Taken from June 26 "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young

Living with this perspective is giving us incredible peace and allows us to live one day at a time.

 

strawberry begonia

 

This strawberry begonia house plant survived the winter outside!  I was so amazed to find it alive and thriving this spring!  By now it was overgrown by a hosta and when I went to look at it this morning I noticed that it was in full bloom!  That doesn't happen very often, so I transplanted it to the flower boxes around our deck where we can enjoy it close-up.

 

By now I'm just over halfway the radiation treatments (7 out of 13).  Some hairs are coming out, but I haven't experienced the big hair loss yet.  Probably any day now.  I'm starting to be able to think and talk about it without crying every time.   And we have switched gears to organizing a celebration of Alida and Jeff's engagement in about 10 days.  It's great to have something to focus on every day. We went for another early morning walk today and there are still loads of mushrooms everywhere.  Another good day so far! 

Some of the Miracles in Nature

Normally we go for a walk every evening just as the sun goes down and before it gets dark. But these evenings it's still too hot at that time for a comfortable walk. So both yesterday and today we went for an early morning walk to beat the heat. I couldn't believe all the mushrooms out there! But then I'm not normally out walking at 6:30 a.m. We found them in the lawns and on the boulevards. Maybe it's this damp weather that's making them pop out of the ground overnight, or are they always there early in the morning?  
 

 

 

 

 

 

And did you see the "Super Moon" the last few nights and early mornings?  Wow!  So bright and so big!  Apparently about once a year the full moon coincides with the position of the moon being much closer to the earth than the rest of the year.  And that's when we get to see the "Super Moon". It appears 18 % larger and 17% brighter than usual.  All evening, every time I woke up during the night, and first thing in the mornings I took a peek out the window to get another glimpse of the "super moon." Amazing! 

Some Highlights in the Garden

At about this time last year I planted a Queen Elizabeth rose bush, in memory of my mom. This is a picture of the very first flower on that bush.

In memory of my mom

 

After coming up ever so slowly and looking very spindly, the pea plants are finally producing some peas.  They hardly ever make it into the kitchen.  I love eating them out in the garden, right off the plant.  Delicious!

 

delicious fresh peas!

 

And here is the amaryllis that I found dry and neglected in the basement, sending up a small shoot a few weeks ago.  Once it came upstairs, was watered, and got going, it grew so fast!  We could see the difference every day.

amaryllis in full bloom

 

I had such a good weekend!  Lots of energy, in good spirits, and no radiation side effects yet.  Unfortunately we didn't go down to see the tall ships sail-by yesterday - not because of the predicted rain and thunderstorms, but because of the blazing hot sun!  It was 30 degrees C. out and there is not much shade at the waterfront, so we had to pass on that idea and visited with friends instead.  Good thing we went down on Friday night!

 

Well, gotta run.  We have radiation treatment #5 in about an hour.  

Mini Water Front Vacation

Last night Gerard and I headed down to Harbour Front to see the Tall Ships.  There are 16 of them from all over the world moored along the waterfront.  They're so majestic looking.  I just love them!  There is a sail-by scheduled for late Sunday afternoon, on their way out of Toronto.  I'd love to see them all go by with their sails up.  However, the weather forecast doesn't sound very promising, so we went last night just in case we can't go on Sunday.

 



 

We went down by subway and bus.  Being part of the Blue Jays crowd on the way home felt exciting. I love being part of the rhythm of the city!  That's something you don't experience in the same way when you travel in your own little space in your car.   

 

tall ship moored along the waterfront board walk 

 

Empire Sandy - based in Toronto

 

It was great wandering along the board walk at the waterfront. The Skydome (Rogers Centre) had it's roof open so we could hear the crowds cheering at the baseball game.  For a while we sat on a little wall along the board walk, listening to some very peaceful live music.  Enjoying the people sauntering by, the summer breeze blowing through my hair, the rippling water, the sailboats drifting by, the bright moon coming out, plus this music... was wonderful!  A mini vacation!

Finally Get to Tell You!

Finally I get to share this news with you!   Mark and Rosemary are expecting a baby GIRL at the end of July.  They were trying to keep the gender a secret, but somehow the news slipped out, so now I get to tell you.  So far "grand child" means grand SON to us, but now there will be a girl.  It will be interesting to see what that will be like.  We are excited that now we will have both a grand son and a grand daughter, and then a second grand son in September!  Auntie Alida's head is already swimming with all the cute little girlie gifts she will be able to buy. 

filo cactus in bloom

Look at the surprise I found in the basement window sill this morning!  All ugly or dormant plants get relegated to the basement until they have something worth showing.  This plant was promoted up to the living room so we can enjoy these beautiful flowers.

Radiation update:  3 treatments down, 10 to go.  I feel better than ever with no side effects at all yet.

Radiation Update

Some of you are asking how things are going with the radiation.  The radiation itself is no big deal. Two times a few seconds and that's it.  It's more the emotions associated with all the implications of being in treatment again.  I was really dreading going in, but now that we're in the routine, we just go and then get on with our day.  As I've said before, we live one day at a time.  We thank God for a new day, claim his promise that he is carrying us and is leading us for the day, and then have a good day. 

So I've had two treatments so far and don't feel anything different at all. That will come as the radiation accumulates. I expect to feel more fatigued and to loose all of my hair, probably next week.  That is the most traumatic thing for me about this radiation.  Just yesterday was the first evening that there was only one hair in the sink after I brushed it!  So my hair has stopped thinning out from the chemo.  It would have started growing back soon, but now I'll be losing it all.  I try to keep it in perspective, but this is the thing that brings out the tears every time I think about it. 

my hair now that it stopped thinning from chemo

 

Tomorrow morning we go to spend time with little Oscar again.  

Thanksgiving as Praise and Lament

Here's something that's been rolling around in my mind for a couple of weeks now.  Two Sundays ago, a member of our congregation, Dr. Cal Seerveld, led us in worship, based on some of the Psalms. He drew special attention to Psalm 50: 14-15.

Like some of the prophets, the psalmist says that God doesn't need our sacrifices.  God desires our thanksgiving and that, according to verse 15, can take the form of both praise and lament. As he pointed out, the Psalms are full of lament.  Even Jesus quoted Psalm 22 on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I was thinking about that and wondered why God would want lament.

 

our garden is full of ox-eye daisies

 

In talking with Cal about it he confirmed my thoughts that the whole point is that if I feel close enough and trust someone enough to share my problems and pains, it is a sign of an intimate relationship.  God wants this intimate relationship with us.  For all the world is mine and everything in it. No, I don't need your sacrifices of flesh and blood.  What I want from you is your true thanks; ... I want you to trust me in your times of trouble, so I can rescue you and you can give me glory. Psalm 50:12-15 

 

So this passage basically says that God desires our thanksgiving, and we may come to him in both praise and lament.  For some reason this realization was a tremendous relief and comfort to me. 

Radiation Starts Tuesday

Just a quick update to let you know that my radiation starts tomorrow.  There will be a total of thirteen treatments. The appointments are all in the early afternoon.

The first week after finding out about the nodule of lymphoma on my cranial nerve was emotionally challenging.  This past week has been much better.  Something changed. We are living this journey one day at a time, submitting each day to the Lord and walking with him. We've had lots of good days this week. 

I've been really dreading going back into treatment again, but am slowly feeling better (not good) about it.   This morning I read back through blog posts about my radiation experience in September 2011.  That gave me a better idea of what to expect this time round. 

token of love and support delivered to our door

 

We feel encouraged and loved by all the different forms of support shown to us.  Thank you so much!  We appreciate your ongoing prayers!  

Father's Day Family BBQ

I feel so full of joy and contentment! This afternoon was PERFECT! 

just hanging out together

 

For a few days now, Gerard and I have been preparing for this afternoon.  We cleaned up the patio, cleaned and tested the BBQ, dug out and refreshed the sandbox, did some gardening, prepared hamburger patties, sorted through sandbox toys ... all for the big day. We were looking forward to initiating our new deck, using the sandbox for the first time in years, and spending a nice relaxing afternoon outside with the family, having a BBQ for Father's Day. 

 

Henry and Oscar relaxing on the garden swing

 

We woke up bright and early at 6 am, looked out the window. It was just starting to drizzle.  It was raining on our way to church. It was raining during church. It was raining on the way home from church. It was pouring at one o'clock!  The tarp covering the sandbox held a mini lake of water. Our visions for our outdoor BBQ were  quickly fading away. But when we got up from our naps an hour later the clouds were breaking up, the sun came out, the sky cleared, the grass dried! We set up the back yard.  The kids arrived with food... 

 

the croquet game came out of the garage

 

our grand child got to play in the sandbox just as I had envisioned it for years

our new deck got initiated with this Father's Day BBQ as we had planned

 

The weather was beautiful.  The whole afternoon was wonderful!  It turned out exactly as I had imagined it.  There was nothing I would have changed about it. It was absolutely PERFECT!!!





Joyful Reunion of Our Trio

For years we've been saying, "The three of us should get together." And it finally happened today!

We were a trio at junior high age in the Calvinette girls club of our church, on through high school in youth group, and then we all took off to Calvin College together.  Over the years there, we gradually went our separate ways.  Katie and I have run into each other and visited sporadically over the years, but I hadn't seen Elly for years!

Katie, Ellie, and Elly

 

Last week I received an exciting e-mail. Katie had been in touch with Elly and suggested they come and visit this morning!  So here we were, together again with the three of us after all these years!  All of us with grey hair, adult children, grand children... 

 

There was no shortage of things to talk about.  We covered everything under the sun.  The planned 2-hour visit turned into four hours over coffee and lunch.  It was wonderful! Due to previous time commitments we finally reluctantly parted ways.  What a wonderful reunion! 

Fun with the Camera

Look who's here!  My niece Anna is visiting today.  We were relaxing out on the garden swing when I thought it would be nice to have a picture of the two of us out there together.  However, Gerard had just left for his speed walk, so we decided to use the timer on my camera.

my niece Anna and I relaxing on the garden swing

 

We had so much fun figuring out out where to put the camera, trying many different settings and distances before coming up with a few successful pictures.  Lots of laughter with Anna running back and forth from behind the camera into the picture. Great entertainment!  

 

behind the scenes of a picture taken using a timer

 

Another good day!  Thank you, Lord!

Thursday Visit

As usual, it was a delight to watch little Oscar this morning.  Every week we notice something new. He's suddenly starting to say some words (ca - car, tuck - truck, bu - bus, pane - plane: do you notice a trend here? swing-swing, towel, pease - please, baby, poppa, opa, oma, daddy - he won't say mommy). He also wants to participate in feeding himself. 

Oscar at almost 21 months

 

"I like being with Opa. "

 

"My mouth is empty, I'm ready for the next bite."

 

"What did you put on my sandwich?"

Around the House

Around the house we can smell the peonies which are in full bloom and hanging heavy with rain.
 

peonies in full bloom

 

The amaryllis bulb in the picture below looked like a dried out onion in a pot of dry soil.  I put it down in our pantry about a year and a half ago after it finished flowering and it just sat there all this time. Then last week ... surprise! it was sprouting a little shoot!  So I brought it outside and we have been watching it grow new leaves and a huge bud... it gets taller every day.  We might just have an amaryllis flower in June (instead of December)! 

 



amaryllis
 

And this orchid plant's been sitting around on a basement window sill for almost two years now.  It didn't change in all that time.  And now suddenly it sent out this shoot and some buds are forming! 

Very exciting to find unexpected signs of life like this and to watch them develop day by day!

 

orchid

 

Gerard's been painting the bare patches on the garage door.  It must have been a defective paint job originally because it peels off in patches every year. Repainting it has become part of the annual spring routine. 

 

fixing up the garage paint job

 

 And we cleaned out the sandbox, which hasn't been used in about twenty years!  Today Gerard bought some new sand, so now we're all ready for little Oscar to come and play on Father's Day.  

 

 adding new sand to the sandbox
 

On another note, yesterday we attended a radiation planning appointment.  They prepared a radiation mask for me like last time (Aug. 24, 2011 post) and took some measurements.  My radiation will start next Tuesday, for 13 consecutive business days.  So I should be done by the end of the first week of July. It was an emotional day for me because it marked the transition to the beginning of going through treatment again.  Please pray for peace of mind for us as we go through all of this again.

This Weekend...

It seems hard to believe that it was only one week ago today that we got the news that my cancer is still here, or has come back again. We have experienced so much in those few short days! We have talked, prayed, hugged, cried, questioned, given thanks...It feels like that news completely changed my/our perspective on life, and at the same time daily life goes on and some things haven't changed at all. It all feels very surreal.

This weekend...
* The front flower bed is full of colour
* we cleaned off the BBQ and fried our first hamburgers to make sure everything is in working order for our upcoming Father's Day family BBQ.  Everything's clean and working fine!
* I baked and we ate some delicious rhubarb apple crumble
* I enjoyed the feeling of wind in my hair while I still have it because I'm afraid I'll be losing my hair from the radiation next week.

colour in the front flower bed
 

* I created a new setup for my herbs.  With the planters and flower barrels moved around because of the new deck, I'm a bit disoriented as to where to put plants this spring.  I like to have some herbs near the kitchen door, so this is my new solution to the herb situation. 
 

my new herb setup

* attended a BBQ lunch with our small group

* heard some thought-provoking ideas in church on Sunday evening that I'm still mulling over in my mind

* finally knocked three items off my to-do list that have been moving from one day's list to the next for over a week now. 

* enjoyed a visit from my brother and sister-in-law (N&F)

* cleaned out the raised garden box and put in more seeds.
 

I'm so thankful for the daily activities that keep us going and help us focus our days on something other than cancer. 

Family Time in Stratford

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his Temple!

Praise his strength in heaven!

Praise him for the mighty things he has done.

Praise his supreme greatness. 

... Praise the Lord, all living creatures!

Praise the Lord!

Psalm 150: 1,2,6

 

After reading this for our morning devotions an unexplained wave of thankfulness swept over me.  Considering the unknown future course of my cancer, wondering where this is all taking us, and trying to live in the moment, I suddenly felt so thankful that today I can see, think clearly, have no pain, and feel fine!
 

Today Gerard, Alida and I went to Stratford for two very special reasons.  Yesterday was the first year anniversary of my mother's passing into glory.  We wanted to spend time with my dad.  And we decided to do that today because today my brother Jeff was finally coming home from the hospital where he has been since January 7th, except for a two week break! We wanted to be there to welcome him home.

 

Welcome home, Jeff!

sharing food, fellowship, and memories

 

Jeff looks amazing and we are so thankful for his remarkable recovery after a very serious surgery.  This recovery is an answer to many prayers!  We also sat around and shared memories about my mom.  Once again it was so good to be together!

cleaning up after lunch (Gerard, Carel and Maria were there too)

 

On our way home we stopped by the Service Ontario office to renew my health card and driver's license.  Our amazing experience in the Stratford office for all my mom's documentation last year (compared to Toronto: no line-ups, free parking, relaxed friendly staff), encouraged us to go to this office again.  Alida stayed in the car to have a nap while waiting for us to conduct our business inside. However, she didn't get any sleep because we were in and out of there in five minutes!  Renewal of health card and driver's license, including two photos and documentation, all in five minutes!!!   Five minutes!!!  Yay, for the benefits of small town life!

Thursday Visits

We are experiencing an unbelievable peace and joy in living in the present, considering the circumstances. Thank you for your prayers and support! Today is Thursday, which means time with little Oscar.

Last Thursday he was using his little shopping cart to help mommy bring the groceries from the stroller at the front door, down the hall, to the kitchen in the back.  Then he unpacked the cart item by item for mommy to put away.  So cute!

Today, as usual, we went for a walk in the neighbourhood.  He is absolutely fascinated by anything on wheels - buses, trucks, construction equipment, emergency vehicles... When we were near the fire station and when we came up to this parked police cruiser, he started making the sound of a siren.  It's very interesting going for walks with him.  You see the world through his eyes and to him everything is interesting and fascinating. 

Back to Radiation

So much to say about yesterday, yet wanting to keep it short.  The Lord blessed both of us with a good solid night of sleep.  Our morning devotional encouraged us to "Look Up!"  Keep your eyes on Jesus.  Get your eyes off the circumstances around you and onto your heavenly source.  God is your source.  He can take care of you regardless of what happens around you.  And so all day that played through my mind.  Whenever I felt a hint of being worried or discouraged I tried to look up and remember that we are walking with God and he is carrying us through.  It helped!

We went to see our oncologist yesterday morning.  The appointment was on time (very unusual!) and the doctor was very relaxed and seemed to have all the time in the world for us.  He only has this special slower clinic on the first Wednesday of the month - and that was yesterday!  We were so thankful to get an appointment so quickly and to get so much of his relaxed attention. 

I'll try to make this short and simple:
Yes, the latest MRI showed that there is a very tiny nodule on my cranial nerve.  My numbness symptoms are consistent with that diagnosis. So the cancer is still there, or back.  Humanly speaking, they cannot cure this lymphoma.  The best they can do is to keep pushing it back for as long as possible.

The good news from the morning is that we were offered four treatment options:  radiation, chemo, an experimental drug that addresses the immune system (from private clinics not covered by OHIP)  and possibly more radiation.  They will do what they can to prolong my life while aiming to maintain my quality of life as best as they can in the process.

The oncologist consulted the radiation specialist while we were there and together they came to the recommendation that I will get general radiation of my whole head.  If they would do targeted radiation just on the nodule, the lymphoma could just jump down the nerve and settle there and cause different side effects somewhere else.  So next week I get all measured and prepped for the general radiation and start the treatments the week of June 17 for about 12 consecutive week days. 

The future is unknown, but we know who holds the future.  We are thankful that there are some treatment options and that we can look forward to some more time together. 

After this appointment Alida and I went wedding dress shopping again.  She tried on a number of so-so dresses.  And then she tried one quite different from the others and we both went, "YES!!!" And that was it.  We were both so excited and sure that this was THE ONE.  So she bought it. 

We've been for a walk, I Skyped with my niece in China, this morning we go to play with little Oscar.  Life goes on despite the circumstances.  We try to keep looking up.  Thank you Lord, for a wonderful day!

Discouraging News

We received a discouraging MRI report yesterday afternoon and have been trying to process or absorb that information ever since.  We were told there was no indication of a stroke that could have caused the numbness in my face a few weeks ago, and everything else that they're not sure about is labelled as bell's palsy.  They did see a "nodular enhancement on the cranial nerve".  This is how lymphoma would show up on an MRI. So contrary to the results of the previous MRI, it looks like there is still lymphoma there, or has it grown since then?  We are full of questions.

We were told to contact our oncologist as soon as possible and the neurologist was going to do the same.  We now have an appointment for tomorrow morning - Wednesday.  I guess that's when we'll talk about "now what?".  That's all we know for now.

We are still kind of reeling from the news.  It's very disappointing.  The kids all came over last night and we ate, talked, cried, and prayed together.  I looked around the kitchen table at the whole crowd and was so incredibly thankful for this amazing bunch of "kids".  This morning we woke up, not knowing what to do with this day.  We prayed and submitted this whole day to the Lord before we even got out of bed.  We listed the things we were thankful for.  And then the "normal" routine kicked in.  Kind of surreal.  Everything around us still looks and sounds the same.  And yet it feels as if everything has changed. 

I debated about attending my Bible Reading Group, afraid that I would be way too emotional.  In the end I went and it was wonderful!  I just felt I had to be there.  We are a group.  we support each other.  Again, we talked, cried, shared Scripture and insights, and prayed together.  I'm so thankful for everyone in this group and am so glad I felt led and encouraged to go. 

So now we're hanging in there, depending on the Lord and our daily routine to get us through.  Here is a Scripture passage that our son-in-law-to-be (another gift from God!) handed me as he left last night:

I am holding you by your right hand.

I, the Lord your God,

and I say to you,

Don't be afraid.

I am here to help you.

Isaiah 41:13

Afternoon Retreat

This afternoon came as an unexpected gift.  I feel as if I've been on vacation - so happy and revitalized!  What happened is... it started raining as I was puttering around in the back yard so I grabbed a lawn chair and put it in the sandbox under the play structure. There I was, sitting nice and dry as it poured down all around me!  So I just stayed there and enjoyed the sound of rain falling on the canvas roof on the top level of the play structure and of water pouring out of the nearby downspout of our house. 

my cozy little house

 

Even when the rain stopped, I stayed in my cozy little spot, just relaxing and soaking in the peace and quiet of the garden all around me.  I've always wanted a garden shed with a little porch and flower boxes on the window.  This spot under the play structure kind of felt like a little play house. So I brought in a little table and cleaned up the area around my little house.  The longer I sat there, the more inspired I got ... I brought in some sea shells, hung up a lantern, cleaned out some flower beds, filled a planter with parsley seeds...

 

 

I must have been out there for close to three hours!  What a healing experience! By creating my own little space and just sitting out there something deep inside me came back to life this afternoon.  I felt joy bubbling up from deep inside my soul, like I haven't felt for quite some time.   I will probably be spending more time out there in my little retreat centre!