Feeling Effects of Chemo

 

Hi there!  Yes, I'm still here, but have not felt super inspired to take pictures or to post anything the last few days.  I was fine while living on the steroids that came with last Wednesday and Thursday's treatments.   Even Monday was still a high-energy day; I shovelled snow, vacuumed the main floor of the house and washed the floors.

But by yesterday I was starting to miss the steroid energy.  The dreary wet weather was not helping boost my spirits.  Yesterday afternoon I tearfully told Gerard, "I can't think of anything happy."  I couldn't figure out my new phone, had problems on the computer, couldn't get the filter of my aquarium put back together properly.  It was one of those days when nothing seemed to work.  We went out to run a few errands just to get out of the house and I did some yoga and went to bed early.  Sleeping was the only thing that appealed to me. And I ended up staying in bed for seven whole hours!

pink and red flowers in the same pot - must have mixed up the cuttings

 

I guess I'm now into the 8-10-days-after-treatment-stage when my immune system and energy levels are at their lowest.  This morning I had absolutely no energy at all so crawled back into bed and later onto the couch until noon.  Our dinner guest cancelled out for tonight because someone in their household is sick and I can't go to visit little Oscar tomorrow because he's sick- all trying to protect me from their germs.  So... I'm trying hard to focus on something positive today...

 

 

 very cute card that came in the mail 

like...

- the amazing support network we have,

- that my niece is visiting for a few days - it's good to have her around! 

- the bean seeds I planted today in honour of the second chemo round,

- that I had the energy to prepare dinner for tonight already...

Hope to be a little more upbeat next time, but these kinds of days are also part of the cancer journey.  Since lunch time some of my energy has come back and things are starting to look up. 



In Memory of John Oegema

Since I couldn't attend in person, this afternoon I am thinking about my sister and her children, and other family members who are in Rapid City, South Dakota, for the funeral service, celebrating the life of my brother-in-law, John Oegema.  Here are a few short excerpts from some of his childrens Facebook statuses to show you what a wonderful legacy he left...

* A titan has fallen. Not the type that shook the earth with his footsteps, but one whose simple faithfulness and boundless joy made the everyday incredible. The man who taught me what it is to love people by loving his kids and our mother so deeply that I barely understand even now. The Man who walked with God and stood in awe and excitement each time He was given a greater understanding of the LORD He adored. My father, was a man who endured trials with endurance and grace, who saw people wherever they were and spoke truth and love into their lives. He was my teacher, my safety net, my friend, my brother in Christ and my dear ol' dad. He was all of this and so much more.

* yesterday I lost my hero, friend, and dad. Love you dad, I sure am gonna miss everything you added to life and how you bettered everyone around you with your passion and love for life and God.

* He was (is) my hero. The most avid hockey fan I’ve ever met (and the one who taught me to love the game). My absolute favourite person to hike and camp with. And my biggest fan, who believed in me even when I doubted myself. He was the single most steadfast and rooted man of God I’ve ever known – a David who wrestled and wept with God, yet always found his way back to humility and worship. He gloried in the gospel and pursued the heart and word of God with unrivaled passion. His single greatest message was the goodness, grace, and sufficiency of God and he never diminished in his excitement for each. He loved my mom with fervour and devotion and was the absolute best dad I (and my brothers) could have ever asked for. Not a day went by that he didn’t tell us that “He loved us a whole” bunch – and never once did we doubt it.

John and Anneke - December 2012

 

Part of the obituary as it appeared in the Ottawa Citizen:

 

September 26, 1958 - January 22, 2013 Clarence John Oegema, 54, peacefully went home to be with the Lord on January 22, 2013 at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, surrounded by his family. He battled cancer and chronic fatigue for years, but now stands healed and free in the presence of the Saviour he adored and faithfully served.

John was born September 26th, 1958 in Brockville, Ontario to John and Gonny Oegema. In 1983, he married his wife, Anna (Geleynse) Oegema in Ottawa, Ontario, where they lived until 1994 when they moved to Rapid City, South Dakota.

John had a genuine and contagious zeal and enthusiasm for life. He was an avid sports fan (especially hockey), loved to hike, walk, and bike, and loved spending time deep in discussion. His greatest passion in life was the goodness and grace of God. His faith was unwaveringly passionate and contagiously childlike and he never grew tired of testifying to the sufficiency and goodness of God's grace. He successfully lived his life with the single aim "to know God and enjoy Him forever."



Completed Second Round of Chemo

This past week we've been focussed on my second round of two chemo treatments. Once again, no nausea or any other negative side effects except for feeling a little restless from the steroids, one of the anti-nausea medications prescribed for the treatment and a few days following.

 

In looking back, it feels like a miracle that the treatments happened at all this week.  When we met with our oncologist last Friday we didn't get a chance to finish telling him about the side effects that spiked last week, and the blood results of that day were not in by the time we saw him either. He still went ahead and scheduled the second round of treatments for Wednesday and Thursday.  

 



beautiful new ceiling tile in the chemo treatment room - backlit

 

Turned out that when we checked my "My Chart" on-line account from home, we found that my blood counts were the lowest we had ever seen them even all through last year's treatments!  We alerted our oncology nurse who told us we'd run more blood tests on Wednesday before starting any chemo. 

 

Then Tuesday afternoon I developed a low-grade fever.  We are supposed to go straight to emergency for IV antibiotics as soon as the fever goes over 38 C and another paper said 35.8 degrees.  The highest reading reached 38.3 C. and as we were debating what to do and monitoring it every half hour, it started coming down below 38 C!  By the morning it was completely back to normal and my new blood tests showed that the counts were almost back up to normal as well!  What happened in five short days?  How could this be?!  It felt like there had been some divine intervention! 

 

this anniversary bouquet - a splash of colour in our kitchen

 

I've been feeling somewhat overwhelmed this week by the prevalence of cancer all around me. Receiving chemo two days in a row makes it kind of hard to deny that I have cancer myself. And there were literally hundreds of cancer patients and caregivers in the radiation, chemo, and blood lab waiting rooms.  My brother-in-law was fighting for his life due to cancer.  The word "cancer" jumped out at me from newspapers, newscasts on TV, and radio talk shows and conversations this week.  I'm getting tired of having everything in my life affected by cancer! 

 

That happens when I try to deal with the cancer by myself; when I take my eyes off God and his master plan for my life.  That's when cancer starts to feel overwhelming and I lose my perspective of leaving the future to God and accepting and living life one day at a time.  It was good to read  my niece's blog* post of January 14th. Cancer has claimed the life of many people close to her, including her own father's life this week.

 

And yet... together with my niece, we can say:

 

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honour come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times.
Pour out your heart to him,
for God is our refuge.  Psalm 62: 5-8 NLT

This doesn’t change the reality of cancer. This changes the reality of everything.

* Somehow this link is not working.  The quote is from my niece's Jan.14th blog post as listed in my Blog List in the sidebar under "alidachristine" (it's worth reading).  She and our daughter, Alida, are both named after my mom, their grandmother.

Believing God Has Brought Us Together...

 

Just over 37 years ago an invitation went out to our family and friends...

 

Believing that God has brought us together
we, Ellie and Gerard

with our parents...

...invite you to come

and join us in the celebration

on our wedding day...

 

 

And so on January 24,1976, we promised to love, honour, and cherish each other, to live together in the holy bonds of marriage according to God's ordinance and to never forsake each other, as long as we both would live...

 

The more commonly used vows in those days were...

I, take you, to be my husband; to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live.

At the time of our vows I don't think we had any idea what was actually involved in what we were promising each other.  And yet today, 37 years later, Gerard was still able to give me a card that started "And I'm so glad God Brought us Together"  I said, "That's almost the exact wording of our wedding invitation!"  And my card to him said, "We've been through it all together.  We've seen the ups and downs of life, and shared each other's lows as well as the highs...and somehow, we've grown in understanding and matured through caring and commitment, too, that's why with every passing day, I'm more and more in love with you"...

God knew what he was doing in bringing us together.  We have been blessed beyond measure.  And I now thank God for every day that he gives us together. 

 

Mark, Henry, Gerard

Rosemary, Melanie, Ellie, Alida

Oscar

 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Thank you, Lord, for 37 years!

Still believing that God has brought us together.

Newsflash: Some Very Good News!

So this is the special news flash I promised you yesterday. There is another grand child on the way!  We've known since Christmas, and have been bursting to tell everyone ever since. 

 

During our gift exchange I was handed a small package.  When I opened it I found a little snowman candle.  To understand what was going on, you need to know that we have a tradition of having a family of snowman candles on our fireplace mantle at Christmas time; one representing each member of our family. So Mark and Rosemary were giving us a new little snowman to add to our candle family! 

 

Wow! We were all so excited about this big news! Mark and Rosemary are expecting their first child!  Now there will be another baby to look forward to all the way through my cancer treatments. I teared over with emotion.  The timing of this baby is just perfect! Another baby of hope to pull us through the treatments!  And a first child for Mark and Rosemary! Thank you, Lord!

 

And now that Rosemary is entering her second trimester we are allowed to share the good news:

Mark & Rosemary's announcement 

Dear Friends and Family;
As you can tell from our picture, we're excited to announce that our family is expanding!!! That's right, we're pregnant and looking forward to July 27, 2013 when we will welcome this precious gift into our family. We believe this is God's perfect timing and we are delighted that the time has come. Thank you for all of your prayers, support, and encouragement during this journey. Love Mark and Rosemary

This Weekend I...

 

- ran errands with Alida on Saturday and got a lot of "to-do" items crossed off my list. Thanks, Alida!

- am happy that I got my camera back!  You wouldn't believe how many times in three days I've thought, " Have to take a picture of that!" and then realized.. no camera! 

- upgraded my cell phone with Alida's help (actually she did it all).  So far I've learned how to receive a call, place a call, and enter some "contacts".  We downloaded some basic starting-up instructions from the Internet.  It's coming slowly but surely. There's still lots more to learn!

- received all these little "oranges" from a friend at church.  She grew them in her living room! And says they taste like lemons.



 

homegrown in a friend's living room!

 

- finally gave up on the remaining spindly wheat grass seedlings and tossed them into the compost bucket.

- met with our oncologist and found out that the CT scan done a few weeks ago did not detect any cancer anywhere else in my body (confirming that it is only in my right eye). Previously they had done a scan of my head only and we wondered what about the rest?  Could there be cancer anywhere else? Not likely, we were told, because my kind of cancer only likes brain cells and rarely spreads to anywhere else in your body.  Good to have confirmation of that. 

- have been feeling quite tired and have slept a lot.  That's normal, with my white blood cell count being low due to the chemo.

- sat in the "mother's room" at church observing and listening to the church service from there to avoid all the hacking and coughing in the auditorium. 

 

postage stamps I received at church today

 

- received an envelope of used postage stamps at church and found quite a few new ones to add to my collection.

- have been in Rochester, Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic with my sister and her family, in our thoughts and prayers.  We've been checking her updates almost hourly, praying without ceasing for a miraculous recovery for my brother-in-law.  He has had a rough week, being almost unresponsive and up and down in dealing with complications after the removal of 2/3 of his liver last Monday.  The latest news is that he has been stable most of today.  We appreciate your prayers for John. 

- celebrated Mark's 34th birthday with the family today.

- we met Alida's boyfriend for the first time today. 

- organized my recipe binder. 

- actually kind of enjoyed the line dancing class on Friday.   Got some semi-private instruction on the basic steps before and after the class and during break time, with a few others also unsure of what they were doing. It's starting to come together!

 

I think that just about covers the highlights.  This weekend, throughout our extended family, we have truly experienced that God is our refuge and our strength; our ever present help in time of trouble.

 

Stay tuned for a special news flash tomorrow!



Happy Birthday, Mark!

Exactly 34 years ago today we first laid eyes on Mark, our second son. And today we celebrate what a gift Mark has been in our lives all those years and thank God for who he has become.  Happy Birthday, Mark!
 

 Mark and Rosemary - Christmas 2012

 

Mark at his work station

 

* my brother-in-law is still in critical condition.  All his children and sister and BIL are there with my sister.  Please continue your prayers for a miraculous recovery.  

Prayer Request for My Sister & Brother-in-Law

Hi Everyone! Just a quick update to let you know everything is fine here with us, but not with my camera. It has been in the repair shop since Wednesday and we'll get it back on Saturday. So I thought I would use that as an excuse to take a little break from writing daily posts.

See how much Oscar's hair is growing? 

But that dark spot is not on his head.  It's in the camera.

That's why the camera is in the repair shop for a cleaning. 

However, in the meantime, I'd like to ask you for your prayer support for my sister Anneke and her husband, John, and their family.  John had 2/3 of his liver removed on Monday, because of cancer, at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  The surgery was successful without complications, but then he took a turn for the worse with a number of serious complications.  He is still in the Intensive Care Unit and is now considered to be in "critical condition". 

Please pray for John and Anneke and their four adult children and daughter-in-law.  They are all entrusting this whole situation to the Lord, but it's still a very difficult time for all of them.   It is so good to know that they are being carried by the prayers of many people around the world. And so I ask that if you are able, please pray for them as well.  Thank you so much!

a beautiful urn arrangement I saw on a walk a few weeks ago.

A Quiet Day

Today I'm enjoying a quiet and low-key day at home following an exciting and busy week.  After preparing our juice, smoothie, and having breakfast, I curled up on the couch and didn't get up again until 8:48!  And I've been relaxing in the rocking chair, soaking up the sun like a cat on and off all day.  It was time to slow down. 

A few weeks ago I needed to feel like I had a future.  And so I registered for all kinds of activities at the cancer support centre, to have some things to look forward to.  I booked myself into activities all the way from January through April. At Wellspring they are very flexible.  Many people need to re-schedule due to treatments, appointments, and depending on how they are feeling. So being registered means I've assured myself of a spot in the class, but it's no problem to cancel out.
 

love this clock in our room at Wellspring

 

Yesterday I attended the first of a four-part series called "Healing Through the Chakras" which the Wellspring brochure describes as "Healing meditations that will help clear blockages in the chakras to help open the pathways for our healing journey."  Chakras are levels and channels of energy.

We received a general introduction to this ancient Indian practice and then went through a few "meditations."  Some women had done this before and were really into it.  It was the first time I'd ever heard of this (that's why I registered for it - a new experience) and could not relate at all!  I thought I would give it one more chance next week, but by the time I got home I called and cancelled out of the next three sessions, which gives me an extra three free Monday mornings in the coming month - and today I'm totally fine with that!  Chalk it up to another new experience. 

And now for a little update on our bay window garden...

 

The kale that I brought in is growing, but something has been chewing the leaves.  I completely submersed the plant and pot in water yesterday, hoping the culprit would come to the surface of the water, but I haven't found anything yet.

 

my spindly-looking wheat grass

 

My wheat-grass-growing experiment didn't do too well.  When I was first soaking the seeds, I read somewhere to spray them with a weak solution of water and baking soda to prevent mildew.  Well, it doesn't seem to have helped a whole lot. In the one container everything went moldy so I tossed its contents into the compost bucket this morning.  The second one has a few sprigs of wheat grass.  I had expected it to look like a thick carpet of grass by now. I'll just let them grow for a while yet and see how they do.

 

basil in the early morning sunlight

 

And then there's the first seeding of my chemo garden - (Jan. 4) the basil seeds... they are actually thriving!

 

On a totally different topic... This morning when I opened my eyes I could "see" almost the whole room through my right eye! ("See" meaning outlines of dark and light contrasts). I wasn't sure whether I was just imagining it, or whether it really had changed overnight.  When it got lighter out I tested my vision again, and sure enough!  It has changed since yesterday!

 

And this morning I swallowed my last steroid pill.  Now I am not taking a single medication!!!  Yay!  Not until I use steroids and other meds again next week for the chemo for anti-nausea and anti-inflammatories.  I noticed yesterday that I am getting a steroid face (round).  Steroids make you retain fluids. 

 

And then there was the hair dilema.  It was time for a haircut BUT I might lose my hair from the chemo treatments.  If I do, it will probably happen next week after my next treatment.  So, do I get my hair cut now or do I enjoy the hair I do have, for as long as possible?  But it's geting too long.  It looks and feels like a mess.  My blog of two years ago helped me out.  I was in the same dilema then and decided that if normally I would get it cut now, to go and do it.  And that's what I did this afternoon - got my hair cut.  Should have done it weeks ago! 

 

And that was my relaxing day.  In looking through some recipes I realized that I had already taken four nutrition classes that I was registered for over the next few weeks, so I cancelled out of those this afternoon as well.  More quiet days coming up!

Please Introduce Yourself

Hi There!  It's kind of interesting that when I say that, I don't know who I'm saying it to.  Well, I do know some of my readers personally, but not many.  A few years ago a woman from Buenos Aires introduced herself and told me she was praying for me during my cancer treatments!  That was amazing!  Someone I have never met, all the way from Buenos Aires, was praying for me!

Judging from the "Live Traffic Feed" in the left margin, many people from all over Canada, some from the States and a few from other far off places around the world  stop by this blog.  It's fun to see where you are all from.  I've noticed that a lot of you come and visit from Margaret's Hope Chest. And I'm really curious to know how others found me.  Please take a moment to introduce yourself.  If the "comment" section is too complicated to access for you, feel free to send me a quick e-mail at ellie_266@hotmail.com.  I'd love to meet you! 

Isn't the blogging world interesting?! Reading blogs has expanded my world, taught me new things, exposed me to new ideas, kept me connected to a world outside of my home when I wasn't well enough to go out myself, and I've found a community of like-minded people from all around the world who affirm me in my family-oriented, simple, green, garden and nature-loving, Christian lifestyle.  There are others who inspire me because they have a perspective totally different from mine and that, in itself is refreshing and thought-provoking. 

So thank you all for stopping by.  Please introduce yourself.  How did you find me?  Where are you from?  Why do you read my blog?  What can I do to make the comments section more accessible?
Looking forward to hearing from you!

Greetings from Toronto, Canada!- Ellie

 

 

Received from Marina and her Sunday School classmates this morning.
It's their memory verse for this month.

An "Ah-Ha!" Moment

I just had an Ah-Ha! moment as a result of a quick phone call with my sister this evening.  She and her husband are at the Mayo Clinic awaiting his liver surgery on Monday.  She referred to what I wrote in my blog a few posts ago about my new attitude towards the chemo treatments; that my life is no longer on hold having chemo for the next six months, but that I am living life every day, and having chemo on some of those days.  And so she is living her life while waiting for her husband's surgery.*  How she responds to that in the waiting room on Monday is how she is living her life that day on the journey she is on.

And then my niece recounted that today she met refugees who thought they were in a refugee camp temporarily and ended up being there so long that they actually grew up in the camp.  It was not a tempory stay.  It was their life; a part of their journey.  And students often feel their life is on hold until they graduate and get into the real world.  Except your time at school is your life too while you're there.

The "interruptions" or "circumstances" that come our way and "distract" us from the path we thought we were on in life, really are our life. They really are the journey we are on. And how we respond to those circumstances can make all the difference. 

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

 

* your prayers for my sister and brother-in-law and the surgeon on Monday morning Minnesota time would be much appreciated!

 



Saturday Shopping on Friday

Well, that was quite the challenge!- this morning's line dancing class, that is. About one third of the group had done it before and about eight of us were complete beginners. I was thinking it was my chemo fog that was making it more difficult than I had expected, but at break time I found out that all the first-timers were feeling a bit overwhelmed.

We decided together then and there that we had enrolled for our enjoyment, not for competition or marks or anything like that, so to just relax and enjoy whatever we could manage. The leader also kept saying, 'Don't give up! Keep trying and after more practise it will suddenly come together."  I'm hoping that will be my experience.  And in the last dance that started happening a bit, giving me a taste of how enjoyable it might be once/if I get into the rhythm of things.

 

opening night of our congregation's Discovery Weekend

 

This evening we had a good start to our congregation's Discovery Weekend.  Because that's continuing tomorrow, we did our Saturday shopping this morning instead.  Here's what I noticed at Canadian Tire...



 

embracing winter outside the store

and fully embracing spring inside the store 

 

And in case you're running short on money since the holiday season, No Frills grocery store can help you out with a money tree!
 

 

you can grow your own money tree!

 

Good night!  Off to the rest of the Discovery Weekend tomorrow.

The Healing Journey

Like I said in my last post, "It feels like most of my time is spent on recovering my health these days." And last night I found out that this is a good thing. I attended the first session of the first level (of six levels) of "The Healing Journey" at the Wellspring Cancer Support Centre at Sunnybrook. I've been thinking of enrolling in this journey for over a year, but you have to start at the very beginning and move up through the levels, and that very beginning just never worked out for me until last night. It looks like this is going to be an amazing journey and you'll be hearing a lot more about it from here on in.
 

 

The facilitator told us our group was making history.  We were the first to be meeting in the evening!  This time slot is a trial run for the program.  Jokingly she said they had also considered some kind of a Skype group or something at 4 AM!.  That got knowing chuckles and nods all around the table!  I realized I'm nowhere near the only one up at that hour almost every morning:)

 

We were back to our normal weekly routine yesterday...  Sorry, I can't show you pictures of his first swimming lesson.  For one thing, I wasn't there, and also, they don't allow photos at the pool.  So here's one to compensate. 

 

 

little buddy still half asleep after his nap

 

I also had my first trial rehab session at a sports medicine clinic to start working on some issues resulting from the exercising I've been doing over the last few years.  More about that later as well.

 

So yesterday I started the Healing Journey and the sports rehab sessions - the first of many new things I registered for last week.  This morning I'm off to my first line dancing class and I'm on the list at Wellspring for a whole variety of interesting things that will be new to me:  Qi Gong, Healing throught the Chackras, various nutritional classes... I've never heard of these things either.  That's why I'm taking advantage of these opportunities - to be exposed to some new ideas and experiences!

 

Well, it's time to go.  We have company coming today and a weekend retreat with our church tonight and most of the day tomorrow, flowing over into a lunch on Sunday.  I thought my life was going to be on hold during the chemo treatments for the next six months, but my attitude towards that is shifting drastically.  Hand in hand with God, I'm being led to a new approach... Each day I have is a gift from God.  I'm hoping to make the most of each one I'm given!   



Today I ...

Today I...
...woke up to a beautiful sunrise ...
...felt nice and relaxed first thing this morning because I hadn't had a steroid for many hours.
...am down to one steroid pill per day.  Goal is to be off by next Wednesday.
...prepared the produce for juicing and made a green smoothie
...felt like I could eat all day (from the steroids)
...caught up on some e-mails

;
this morning's amazing sunrise!

 

... felt sluggish and sometime disoriented from the chemo fog for the first time
... experienced some frustrating moments when I had a hard time getting focussed

... had to restrict my walking because the steroids are making my skin very fragile on my feet.
... did an aerobic workout and got energized

... called my brother Jeff and found out he was in the hospital

... collected water from the downspout for the houseplants
... snacked on almonds and dried apricots
 

looking and sounding like spring out there today

 



...enjoyed the sound of running water outside... the wonderful sounds of spring!

...decided which family pictures we want to print up

... bought a frame for the pictures

... heard all about little Oscar's very first Moms and Tots swimming session - he loved it!

...admired my cute little tree (2 ft) that I reclaimed from someone's recycling yesterday

 

  

 my cute little 2 ft. tree

 

...walked over to a friend's place to try out and then borrow her rebounder

... thought of and prayed for my sister and brother-in-law a lot.  They're at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota getting assessed for potential surgery because of his recurred cancer

... played piano for the first time in a long time.

... bounced around on the rebounder a bunch of times. It's very energizing and it's said to stimulate and so help clear your lymphatic system. 

 

 

getting energized on the rebounder

 

... relaxed and almost fell asleep from a relaxation meditation CD that a friend loaned me

... prepared and enjoyed a delicious spinach salad and a home-made dressing for dinner

... fell asleep on the couch while watching the news

... was able to see some vague contrasts for the first time (lights and outline of solid tree) through the lymphoma spot in my right eye, that used to be solid black and is now greyish!

 

So, even though this was the first day that I really felt the effects of last week's chemo treatments, it was still a good day!  It feels like most of my time is focussed on recovering my health these days. I'm very aware of the privilege I enjoy to have the time, the resources, and the support network to do this. And Gerard's support is amazing!  I don't know how I would ever do this without him.  Thank you, Lord for another great day!

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Look what I found in my mail slot at church yesterday!  One of Joanne's very creative and colourful cards! 

 

'thinking of you with love and much caring..."

 

And inside  the card I found this precious story...

 

A grandfather was walking through his yard



when he heard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet

in a tone of voice that sounded like a prayer. 

 He asked her what she was doing.

The little girl explained: "I'm praying,

but I can't think of exactly the right words,

so I'm just saying all the letters,

and God will put them together for me,

because He knows what I'm thinking."

Charles. B. Vaughan

Reflecting on New Year's Eve 2012

Just can't stop reflecting on my experience on New Year's Eve...

After our mother passed away last spring, my sister and I sorted through her clothes. When I tried on the outfit in the picture below, my sister said, "That's yours!  It's totally your style!"  And then she also picked something she liked.  So ever since, I've been hoping for an ocassion to wear my mother's full-length black skirt and the jacket.  On a whim, I decided the New Year's Eve church service would be a nice ocassion for a long skirt. 

So there I was, wearing my mother's clothes, just for fun.  And then the idea started growing on me, feeling more and more symbolic; we were marking the transition of time, the passing of one generation to the next, and there I was dressed like my mom.  It seemed fitting to be wearing my mother's outfit somehow. I was kind of thrilled about the whole thing and it felt very special.
 

wearing my 87-year old mother's outfit (and getting compliments left and right!)

 

The service started.  The very first song we sang was "Great is Thy Faithfulness".  Our family sings Great is Thy Faithfulness at almost every special ocassion!  And this past year we first stood with family around Gerard's mother's deathbed and later around my own mother's deathbed, singing Great is Thy Faithfulness, as they each slipped into glory!  Singing this song on New Year's Eve, wearing my mother's clothes, suddenly felt very emotional and profound!  A poignant moment!

 

love these snowflakes in the chemo room!

 

A few days later I shared this experience with my sister.  She couldn't believe my story! She had also worn her choice of my mother's outfit that evening.  In fact, she was wearing jewellery from her late mother-in-law who passed away this year, in combination with our mother's outfit.  She also felt it was all very fitting for New Year's Eve.  We like to think that Mother was smiling down on both of us at that moment as we were remembering and honouring her; she in South Dakota and me in Toronto, totally unaware of what the other was doing. 

 

The rest of the service that evening was also amazing.  The message seemed prepared just for us.  I clung to every word and received a digital copy of it later to re-read.  All I could say to the message was one resounding AMEN from beginning to end! Yes, I get it!  This is my life now! Here are the closing words of the message that led us into the new year... 

 

So how does our knowledge of God’s grace and goodness for this New Year affect our plans? How do we look ahead with anticipation in a God-pleasing way? We put all our dreams and goals in the Lord’s hands. We have to be careful how we look forward with anticipation. We are given this advice in James 4:13-15, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that." As we look forward with anticipation we recognize that it will only be by God’s grace and only according to God’s will that we make our plans.

 
In the good times and in the bad times God is with us. As his children we tell of all the good things he has done for us. In the past year we have enjoyed his love, and grace, and blessing. We have enjoyed his Word and Sacraments. He has been with us through everything. He has felt our pain and sorrow. We look back in appreciation. We also look forward with anticipation. God will be with us again in this coming year. He will provide us with what we need both physically and spiritually. He will comfort us and share our pain and sorrow. Today as we prepare to ring in the new year, let’s celebrate God’s grace. Grace that moves us to look back with appreciation. Grace that allows us to look ahead with anticipation. Amen.  (message delivered by Rev. Rob Datema, Dec. 31, 2012).

Starting Up My 2013 Chemo Garden

Today I finished the second half of the first round of chemo treatments so it's time to start up the "chemo garden". Each month when I finish a round of two days of chemo like this, I hope to start up a new set of seeds like I did in 2011. By the time the six rounds are done, I should have quite the garden - my "Garden of Hope"!

 gift from my sister Tina about fourteen years ago

 

When I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2011, I received a beautiful quilt of hope from Margaret's Hope Chest. (I'm so excited that I actually know how to insert a link now!) My quilter friend from church actually found a pattern online called Ellie's Garden!  I had this quilt of hope with me during all the hospital stays.  My plans had been to hang it up at home and forever enjoy this beautiful quilt.  But... for some reason I needed to tuck it away for awhile.  It just had too many negative associations; a lot of negative baggage at the time.   

 



 

Well, as I told you the other day, at 4:30 in the morning I suddenly had a wonderful vision of my Garden of Hope, and it included the quilt!  So the quilt has come out of the closet and the chemo garden is on it's way. Here is the first set of seeds all ready to grow - BASIL!  I'm starting with basil because it's easy and rewarding to grow, I love basil on my sandwiches, and I still had some seeds left from last spring.

 



 

And here's a close-up of the quilt...

 

 

Today's chemo treatment was relaxing and everything went fine. I was able to/wanted to come home on public transit by myself, which felt great!  It made a big difference that I knew what to expect this time.  I feel just fine; no nausea or anything else yet.  Some side-effects may still come in a few days. They'd better, otherwise we'll be wondering whether the chemo is doing anything.

 

I'm just still mighty high on steroids because I got a lot for today's treatment.  The doctor has now given us instructions to gradually taper off the dosage day by day so that I'll soon be completely off the steroids.  Gerard is looking forward to that day! The next cycle of two-day treatments will be in about a month.  We don't have the schedule yet.  



First Chemo Treatment Day

 

 

4:15 am  woke up after 5 hours of restful sleep

Be still and know that I am God...
Be bold, be bold, for the Lord your God is with you...
In Christ alone, my hope is found...
4:30 am  feel led to growing a "chemo garden" again! I'm going to pull out my garden quilt and start up a new set of seeds after every round of treatments, like I did last time. Feel led to document the whole day for my blog. Really starting to look forward to the day!  Can't stay in bed any longer.
5:00 am charge up camera battery and cell phone

 

5:30 am listen to the Psalms Project and sing psalms while preparing lemon/water drink (detox), boiled flax seed til like gel (protects stomach from chemo), juiced carrots, celery, broccoli, apple, red beets; made green smoothie. Breakfast. Devotions.

 

7:20 am leave for the cancer clinic, feeling really peaceful about the day.

7:40 am register at main reception 

 

0  

8:00 am waiting around

 

 

9:00 am check-in time and orientation to chemo by nurse

10:15 am  started chemo - a slow IV drip

11:00 am Gerard ran some errands like getting a parking pass and coffee

12:00 noon Gerard brought in some delicious pitas from the Extreme Pita downstairs

 

 

very comfortable reclining chair! 

 

Here's the whole room.

 

12:15 pharmacist explains take-home medication regimen.  These are all anti-nausea and anti-inflammation drugs to counter the effects of the chemo drugs! I just have to take most of these for the first few days after each treatment. 



 

1:15 pm chemo is finished.  Nurse disconnects IV and leaves part of it on my arm for overnight so they can use the same tomorrow without having to poke me again.  I have that mesh sleeve overtop of it now to keep it in place.  Can't even feel it's there.

 

 

keeping part of the IV in overnight to be used again tomorrow

 

1:45 pm Arrived home.

The day turned out so very much better than I had expected! I guess somehow in my mind I had built this whole chemo thing into a big monstrous dreadful day.  It wasn't like that at all.  It was all very peaceful and uneventful and actually felt like a major anti-climax after having built it up so big in my mind for so long.  So when it was all done, I felt like doing something special to actually make it into the big day I had expected it to be. 

 

2:30 pm Walked to Yonge & Sheppard.   We decided to use some accumulated gift certificates to go see the movie Les Mesirable.  It was amazing! 

 

 

6:00 pm Son Henry met up with us and we had dinner out together at Milestones.  The men had big burgers with sweet potato fries and I had roasted beet with goat cheese salad.  Delicious!

 

7:30 pm walked home, phone calls, e-mails, and writing this blog. For some reason (the computer or my brain) I've had a lot of problems putting this post together.  Everything is jumping all over the place and there is a different format popping up all the time.  As a result I have not been very inspired as I write this. And that was my first day of chemo. .  And a very good day it turned out to be!   

 

10:20 pm It's high time for me to get off this computer, check which medications I still need, and get to bed.  Good night!  I go in for my second treatment in the morning.