Why Am I Blogging?

"Why am I blogging?"  This question has surfaced randomly in various forms, ever since .my very first post on August 4, 2008. That was 937 posts ago!  And here's what I wrote at the time:

My Very First Blog Entry!

Welcome to my brand new picture blog! - a new year's resolution coming to life!
While visiting Australia this spring, I saw so many beautiful and interesting things and thought it would be interesting to start looking at my surroundings back home through the same eyes, and so learn to appreciate and marvel at my daily world more often. Then on my birthday, a few weeks ago, I decided to pay more attention to all the blessings in my life. The idea of bringing these two things together by way of a picture blog was inspired by Phyllis' blog (my niece), which I really enjoy.

 

repeat of first picture in my very first blog post ever

 

This "new year's resolution", made on my 57th birthday, emerged as a personal challenge to look at the bright side of life by counting my blessings.  At the time, our daughter, Alida, had gone to Australia on a work-travel visa with a six-month contract at a Sydney hospital. It didn't take long for her to meet a young man and decide to extend her contract.  In April of that year we went to visit her.  It was an amazing experience for all of us!

 

However, the twenty-some-hour trip back home made me realize how very far away she was!  And I was missing her!  And I was crying the blues!  She had always said, "Someday I want to live somewhere close to you and be able to say to my kids, "Grandma is going to pick you up after school." Well, that might just never happen with her all the way "down under" on the other side of the world!  This separation of me and "my baby" and the potential loss of some of these dreams made life feel kind of sad. 

 

But then as I compared my situation and emotions about my children to those of other parents, I realized I was being very negative and self-centred about the whole situation.  Our daughter was in Australia by her own choice.  She was healthy, happy, right with Lord, loved us, loved her church home, had a great social life and now also had a boyfriend.  What more could any mother want for her daughter, except to have her closer?!

 

Upon reflection, I realized that I tended to view life from a rather negative perspective.  And then came the great revelation that I could decide to change that, or at the very least, start working on it. 

And I guess that's where this new year's resolution came from - to start counting my blessings. 

 

My digital camera was still a rather a new and fascinating thing for me. I especially enjoyed taking pictures in the garden, and then of events, and then of everything and everyone.  This digital photography was fun!  You could shoot as many pictures as you wanted and try all kinds of things.  Gradually I got hooked.  My blog became a picture blog just for my own enjoyment and it was also a great way to share with my daughter what was going on back home.  

 

What originally was a way of sharing the beauty and fascination around me with others, morphed into a venue for updating people on my situation once I was diagnosed with cancer in February 2011.  At times it's been almost like a picture diary.  During my treatments it was therapeutic; a way to process what I was experiencing. 

 

One day I was telling my friend, Jeannette, some of the incredibly amazing things that were happening in connection with our whole cancer experience.  She said, "You should write this down!  You don't want to forget this!  What about journalling about your blessings?!  My immediate reaction was, "I really don't like journalling (with paper and pen)".  But wait!  I already have a blog, and it's already called, "Counting My Blessings"! 

 

And so the blog was conceived.  It's really just a personal response to a personal challenge.  And that challenge continues every day.  Sometimes it's more challenging than others to find the spirit of "thanks-living".  Sometimes needing a picture for my blog forces me to get out and find something wonderful worth sharing.  And so it is a good experience for me.  I'm not naturally a positive person and my life is not perfect.  This is not a brag book about my perfect life.  It is a small and humble reflection of the grace and blessings God pours into my life every day.  Thank you, Lord!

 

 copy of second picture in my very first blog post

 

* This post is dedicated to our daughter, Alida, whose move to Australia prompted the conception of this blog.

My Blog Printed in Book Form

Look at the surprise I received yesterday!
 

Counting My Blessings - 2011

 

Mark arranged to have all of my 2011 blog posts about my cancer experience last year, printed up in a book!  As he gave it to me he said something like, "This is a message of hope.  I want you to read it.  I think it will be encouraging for you this second time around." 

 

The book is dedicated "To two awesome parents." 

 

WOW! WOW! WOW!  Thank you, Lord, for everything!

A Whirlwind of Activity!

It's been a whirlwind of exciting activity here the last two days. Yesterday we headed out of town for most of the day.  We met up with family at my dad's and enjoyed a good time of socializing and dinner together. 

 

 

Today Mark, Alida, and I helped DIL Rosemary prepare for her sister's wedding shower.

 

 

I was assigned the trays of fruit and baking, the flower arrangements and the balloons.

 

 

Alida used her creativity in preparing a scrap book and buntings.

 

 

Mark did a great job with some dollar store decals, bringing out the Japanese theme of the shower.

Great team work!

 

"These boots are made for walking!"

 

Later this afternoon Alida and I went on a VERY successful (and short) shopping spree.  I finally found some good walking boots, after looking for the last three years. I've already tried them out in the snow this evening and they passed the test with flying colours! They are awesome! They are comfortable, warm and furry inside, waterproof, sturdy, look interesting and have a good grip and they were on sale.  Everything I was looking for and more!  And just in time, because there is no way I will be shopping for boots once my treatments start.  If you know how much trouble I have finding suitable footwear - these boots are a godsend!

Trip to the Japanese Paper Store

 

on my way downtown

 

Here's the continuation of yesterday's adventures downtown. DIL Rosemary and I went to visit the Japanese Paper Store on Queen Street West.  Approaching the store I was immediately struck by the beauty of these paper snowflakes hanging in the display window.

 

And here is a view of one of the stars from the inside of the store. 

I love the bicycles in the snow along the street!

 

 

A beautiful view that caught my eye across the street from the bus stop.

 

 

 

Last night we went for a full-body CT scan to hopefully confirm that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body.  It is very rare that my kind of cancer moves into the rest of the body.  It seems  to prefer the brain cells.  In preparation, I had to drink about two litres of contrast dye and had an IV inserted. 

Being back in the hospital environment like this for a few hours was an emotional experience for me.  It brought me face-to-face again with the reality that I really do have cancer - something I have been able to avoid thinking about too much with the help of the steroids and all the resulting hyperactivity for the last few weeks. It took awhile to regain my emotional balance, and then we had a very peaceful, restful night.  Off to visit with family at my dad's today! Gotta run!

One of the Best Gifts, Ever

Last week I received one of the most heartwarming gifts a mother could ever want for Christmas! It made my heart flip and my eyes tear over. Quality time in the form of lunch dates and back rubs from my son! Isn't this the best gift, ever?!  Good for the environment and good for this mother's heart.

 

 

There's no way I was going to let these offers expire so I got right on it and made arrangements to redeem the first offer for a lunch date for today.

 

"Time for a picture of Mom in the blog", according to Mark



 

I took the subway downtown with DIL Rosemary (more on that tomorrow) and met up with Mark on his lunch break from work.  He treated me out at Eat Fresh on Dundas St. W.  The food was absolutely delicious. 

 

close-up of the salad

 

We had a bread-and-dip appetizer, a fabulous butternut squash soup, this amazing-looking salad (anyone know what the yellow and orange "strings" are?), and quesadilla.  It was such wholesome, comfort food!  So good!

 

 quesadilla

 

The joy of sitting there downtown, having my son set aside quality time with me on his workday, felt so-o-o wonderful!  What a blessing to have this kind of relationship with my adult children!

 

And then he took me to see where he works as website developer for Kids Help Line.

 

Mark at his desk at Kids Help Line

 

view out the window behind him

 

Mark, the website developer

 

I always like to be able to picture people somewhere.  It makes me feel more connected somehow.  So now I can picture exactly where Mark spends a good percentage of his time. And I must admit I was feeling just a wee bit proud of, and full of thanksgiving for who our son has grown up to be (it's OK to feel that way, as a mother, isn't it?) as he went around introducing me to some of his co-workers. 

 

I had a wonderful afternoon of quality time with my son.  I feel so loved and supported and encouraged! That's got to be one of the best gifts ever!  

Steroid "Hour of Power" Inspirations

For the past ten days we've been very conscously living with the side effects of the steroid, dexamethasone, an inflammatory I'm on to reduce the swelling of the lymphoma in my eye.  For some people this medication causes depression. Fortunately, for me it raises my spirits and energy level, which is mostly a good thing, but takes some intentionality (is that a word?) to manage.

Each time I take a pill (down to 2 x 4mg/day by now) I experience a spike in energy and so have to time them carefully with food throughout the day so that I can calm down enoug to be able to sleep at night.  We often go for a walk in the evening or I do some relaxation yoga to wear off some of the excess energy.  I usually fall asleep OK, but have lately been waking up by around 3:30 a.m. and then I'm wide awake.  And that's when all the big ideas come; I've dubbed it my "hour of power"! 

Monday morning at 3 a.m.: I was lying there thinking about the upcoming day. How about doing some baking?  Alida and I changed our minds about baking last week, so... I could bake for awhile today!  What shall I make?  It'll have to be something without nuts or chocolate or coconut...  Let's make Anna's ginger cookies!  They were good!  But to arrange a tray of baking I need to include something with colour.  How about the coloured marshmellow rolls? and some red and green sprinkled traditional sugar cookies would look festive, but you can't totally ignore chocolate!  How about some chocolate clusters too! 
 

 

By mid-morning the kitchen table and counter were covered with baking supplies and there was dough cooling in the fridge.  I was on a roll - a steroid-induced roll!  All of a sudden I wondered, "What am I doing?!  Why am I baking?!  We didn't need any baking!  I had decided not to bake this year!"  Steroids can do this to you; you kind of lose your limits and things become really urgent and ideas grow bigger and bigger... and it becomes hard to stop yourself, even against your own better judgment.

 

Gerard came in, "Are you OK?"  (Was I looking not OK?) Actually, I was feeling just a slight bit overwhelmed at that point but was not going to let on that I already realized I had taken on way too much.  As unobtrusively as possible, he made some efforts to help out, but I must have sent the message that I would manage it myself somehow, and he slipped out of the kitchen and let me manage my own "steroid" inspiration. 

 

Breathing deeply, I pulled myself together, cleared up as much as I could to make the space and the project manageable again.  Focussing on one small task at a time, I ended up with a table full of festive baking and a clean kitchen by about 2 p.m.! I had been going non-stop since 3 am.! Thankfully it all turned out fine. I was happily occupied for the most of the day and we even had some some baking to bring places and to enjoy for ourselves as well.  Thanks to the steroids we now have enough baking in the freezer to last us well into January.  O well...

 

self-timers are great, aren't they?

 

Tuesday morning at 3:30 am: Wide awake once again...   "Today is Christmas Day!"  Alida slept over and would be with us for breakfast - Christmas breakfast -  and church and lunch, and then leaving for work.  "I should do something special for Christmas meals today." The food was planned, but there was nothing especially Christmassy about it. 

 

Hmmm... we have a red table cloth, and there might be some fancy Christmas napkins somewhere.  Oh, and I "stole" three cute little Christmas candles from someone in our small group gift exchange game...  and we inherited some fancy Christmas mugs from Grandma...

 

I couldn't lie still any longer!  Up and at it!  At 4:15 a.m. Armed with a flashlight I was scouring the closet, looking for things to complete our breakfast table.  By 4:30 I had a festive table together to treat Gerard and Alida for our Christmas meals today.  By 5:00 I crawled back into bed, happy and confident that we were in for another good day.  

Christmas breakfast for the three of us

 



Wednesday morning at 4:30 a.m.  Wide awake once again!  Wouldn't it be great to have a New Year's Eve party at our house?!  A game night with people bringing snacks and games? We could invite.....   Don't go there!  We've already had two nights with big steroid ideas!  I've got to start slowing down!  Take a deep breath...  relax... Go downstairs and do some relaxation yoga...  But this would be a really good time to do some quiet, undistracted Bible reading... 

 

Off I go, trying not to wake Gerard up... with my housecoat, water glass, and Bible, out into the living room.  Our new gas fireplace is wonderful for times like this when it's cold in the house.  Just flip the remote control, the fire is on and I enjoy the warmth.  I sat there reading... just soaking in the message that God sent Jesus, Emmanuel, to be with us always.  He came to rescue us. He came to save us. He came to stay with us always. "Fear not!  Be not afraid", the angel said to Joseph, to Mary, to the shepherds... to me... "Fear not, I am with you."  ... On my way rejoicing for another whole day!

 

Enjoyed a wonderful afternoon of Twister, Sequence, and Padvinder games.

Twister was like an invigorating yoga session! (that's me in the black)

 

It's been a great week!  We've worshiped at church services and programs and in home devotions, visited with family and friends, relaxed, experiencing every day intensely. I am alive and feel so absolutely well, that we are able to do whatever we think of.  The steroids are helping us live in the moment and we are leaving the future in God's hands.  Thanks so much for your love, support and encouragement!

Joy to the World!

Joy to the World

The Lord has come!

Let earth receive its King.

Let every heart

Prepare Him room,

And heaven and nature sing!

And heaven and nature sing!

And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing!

Candlelight Service

So Blessed with Family!

This year the boys are spending Christmas Day with their in-laws, so we got together for our own family day on Saturday.  We started off with a professional photo shoot at our house.  I really, really wanted a complete family picture, including little Oscar this year, and definitely wanted to get it done now, just in case I lose my hair from the upcoming chemo treatments.  So, we all hung in there for about an hour of relatively relaxed picture taking and will soon have a complete up-to-date family photos to treasure!  Yay! 

 

Alida and Melanie made these letters to include in some of the more casual shots.

It was a good day of hanging out together...

just enjoying each other

 

 

 

relaxing

working

photos, food, gifts, a walk, games...
and lots of love and excitement!
What a blessing!

On This First Day of Winter I Am...

Outdoor Gardening! It was so beautiful out this morning  that I decided to dig up a few kale plants from the garden before the snow flies. The swiss chard continues to produce (slower in the colder weather), but the kale is just sitting there, so I wondered whether bringing it inside would stimulate some growth. We'll see...

And then, to beat the hard frost, it seemed like a good day for hilling up the rose bushes.  I piled leaves up around the plants and hope that today's rain and wet snow will freeze them in place to provide insulation for the winter.

bringing some kale plants indoors

 

Indoor Gardening! I've been hearing about the benefits of juicing wheat grass, so today we bought some seeds, I watched some Youtube videos on growing wheat grass, and am now soaking some seeds in preparation for this sprouting experiment.  It's good to have a project like this on the go right now.  They say, "He who plants a seed, plants hope."  Something fun to look forward to!

soaking wheat seeds for growing wheat grass

 

Watching the Wet Snow Come Down.  I got the outdoor gardening done just before the wet snow started coming down, but it's all melting on contact.

 

Enjoying Imitation Peanut Butter.  Alida introduced me to this recently...

 

 

 

What a treat to taste "peanut butter" for the first time in years!  Not sure how healthy this actually is, but enjoying this flavour with bananas I'm sure is OK for the occasional treat. 

 

Introducing Our Up-and-Coming Artist! Here is Oscar's very first "art work" that came home with him from the church nursery last Sunday.  It was proudly displayed on their fridge door when we arrived to babysit him yesterday.  He's only 15 months, so he must have had some help, but Mommy was very thrilled with his first "art" piece!

 

our grandson's very  first church nursery "art work"

 

Starting to See through The Mass in My Eye  I noticed yesterday, for the first time in about a month, that in the dark I can vaguely see lights through the dark mass in my right eye, whereas lately it would have been completely black.  We were driving at night and I could see slightly light spots of the headlights of approaching cars!  Looks like the steroids are starting to bring down the swelling of the mass. Exciting! 

 

There's more in store for the rest of the day, including a visit with a friend.  I'm so thankful for a good day once again!





More Energetic Steroid-Powered Days

The last two days have been a lot of fun.  My niece Anna and I have been busy together doing all kinds of things.  Yesterday we had the kitchen table full of Christmas decorating odds and ends. First we revived this wreath with some fresh greenery...

 

 

and then created this spray for the front door.  Unfortunately we had to use artificial greenery because it's so hot between the south-facing doors that real live evergreen burns and dries in the sun in one or two days.  We were pretty happy with our result. We made green smoothies and a salad and read and had naps and just visited together. 

 

 

Then in the evening we went for a walk to see Martiny and Jack's doll house all lit up and decorated for Christmas and had a wonderful visit complete with tea and chocolates and good conversation. 

 

 

 a closer look at the living room 

 



A bit later that evening we were watching 'The National" on CBC and guess what!!!??  There were two of Anna's close friends featured on "Only in Canada"! -in a short documentary on their "Little House on the Prairie".  We couldn't believe it!  We had just been looking at their blog in which they chronicle the building of their little portable home, and there they were on national television! 

 

Thanks to the steroids, I was awake most of the night, so when I finally got up at 9:30 Anna was already Skyping with her sister in China, so I got another (!) lesson in hooking up to Skype - I wonder if I'll ever learn to do it myself?  I just need some practice.  Anyone want to Skype me? 

 

And for the rest of the day we have been baking ginger bread cookies, reading, napping, puzzling, and walking.  Gerard demonstrated juicing and we prepared a delicious meal under Anna's supervision. 

sweet potato quinoa casserole

 

pomegranate-pear salad

 

Another two wonderful days!  It's been great to have Anna's company to keep me occupied and distracted from the cancer pre-occupation.  We have been enjoying our time together so much and I have been feeling so well, and living so in the moment that we have given very little thought to the cancer these last few days. Thank you, Lord!



Spiritual Healing or Physical Healing?

Well, here I am again, wide awake at 1 a.m. just like I was at exactly this time a week ago.  And that's when something very special happened.  But now I'm getting ahead of the story.  Let me first take you back to February and March of last year when I was first dealing with cancer.

Many people were praying for my healing; my physical healing from the brain tumours.  For some reason, unknown to me at the time, I was not able to pray for my own physical healing.  The only thing I felt worthy of praying for was spiritual healing. Something didn't feel right in my life, and surely God would never deny me spiritual healing!  Asking for physical healing just seemed like too much to ask for someone who wasn't even sure God would/could heal me.  (My sister died of cancer even when lots of people were praying for her healing).

at the Allan Gardens yesterday

 

So back to last March: In the early morning of March 23rd in my hospital bed, I had a spiritual experience like I've never had before and which felt very foreign to me. I believe that was the beginning of the spiritual journey I'm on now.  And on top of that, the treatments were able to miraculously wipe out the tumours and bring me into remission! 

 

I was hoping that I was completely cured, but the doctors won't say that until you've been cancer free for at least five years.  We knew that this kind of cancer has a likely chance of re-currence, but I was sure I had at least five or maybe ten years of good health ahead of me.  So it was a big shock to learn recently that the cancer has recurred already.  That news felt like a death blow.  It knocked all the hope out from under me and I got really depressed.  I started mourning and grieving the loss of all the things I had hoped for the future.  I was crying a lot and really scared.

 

giant lemons at Allan Gardens

 

We sent out requests for prayer and immediately started feeling an unexplainable sense of peace, just like we experienced the year before.  But there were still the scary, restless, tearful moments.  Then exactly last week at this time I was lying in bed, wide awake.  I decided that instead of just lying there wasting time, I would pray.  Immediately all kinds of Scripture passages and hymns from way back came tumbling through my mind, one after another with no breaks at all.  And suddenly I prayed as I had never prayed before.  (Sorry, if this is sounding too weird for you.  It would have to me too, before, but I'm just describing what actually happened to me last week.) 

 

I started praising God and suddenly asked God to pour out his Holy Spirit over me.  (Yes, this felt weird to me too).  I asked God to fill me with his Spirit and then I hung on to our mattress, wondering what kind of strange things might start happening to me if I really were to be filled with the Spirit.  I was just lying there waiting and wondering and then I felt a strange sensation (adrenaline? rush of blood?) move up from my pelvis, right up to my throat.  And then an incredible sense of relaxation and peace came over me!

 

spring flowers in December at Allan Gardens

 

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted.  I felt giddy with freedom and joy.  And for the very first time I was able to ask God for physical healing! I was so happy and excited that I did not sleep for the rest of the night. The next day I had some moments of fear and tears again, but peace mostly prevailed. I don't know where God is taking me, but I feel I am on a new spiritual journey that I would never have expected to be happening to cinical, doubting, questionning, independent me. 

 

And at the time of this experience I was not on steroids like I was at the time of the experience in the middle of the night at the hospital last spring.  I had sometimes discounted the validity of that experience, thinking it might have just been some kind of steroid-induced illusion.  But this time I was of clear mind with no drugs in me at all. Maybe instead of being high on steroids, I was high on the Spirit! This is all very new and a little intimidating for me.  We'll see where God is taking me.

 

one of the displays in the greenhouse at Allan Gardens

 

 For some reason, for the last two hours this verse was coming to me from Proverbs 3: verses 5&6: 



5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
⁶ Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

And then I ran across these next verses as well from verses 7 & 8:

⁷ Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
⁸ Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.



Our Downtown Toronto Adventures

So yesterday afternoon I did one of my favourite things again...  I went downtown with a friend by subway, met up with my niece Anna and two of her friends and wandered around seeing and experiencing all kinds of interesting things. While the girls met up for lunch, the two of us enjoyed the Allan Gardens Conservatory.

At College and Spadina we encountered our first surprise - the "Occu-Pod".  This guy has been living in this pod since January, as an extension of Occupy Toronto, protesting the capitalist system.  The pod is on wheels and he can push it around "like a shopping cart" he said.  Apparently he was recently camped outside the Eaton's Centre for a couple of weeks.  He's been living largely on food scrounged from dumpsters outside of grocery stores.  Here he was preparing a cheese fondue to share with passersby.  "The rich shouldn't hoard all the wealth.  Everything is meant to be shared."

 

While we were there the police came by to warn him to move his pod or receive a fine.

 



 

On we wandered down Spadina to China Town, stopping for some bok choy (for our green smoothies) and a pomegranate - always interesting to open and eat, and makes a nice tangy and healthy addition to a salad!

 

Then heading east on Queen Street we saw girls doing yoga in front of a yoga store, many fascinating looking people, a car emerging from the Much Music TV building, interesting sidewalk art, a girl making crepes right by the restaurant window, and our own group hugging a tree trunk...

 

 

We checked out the cattle gates at Osgoode Hall.  Did you know that those were built there to keep the cows off the property?  Hard to believe that a long time ago there was still countryside at University and Queen!  We criss-crossed Nathan Philips Square to see "Toronto's Official Christmas Tree" and then to the traditional Christmas window displays at The Bay on Queen.

 

 

One quick run through the Eaton's Centre to see the decorations...

 

 



And out the other end for a quick peek at Dundas Square, and then collapsed exhausted in the subway train to head home.  What a wonderful afternoon!  So energized by the youthful energy of the group and the fun experiences!  Felt completely healthy and well with not a thought of the cancer all afternoon!  Thank you, ladies!  It was fun!