Back to "Normal"

After all the preoccupation with the blood transfusion and chemo treatments of the past week, the focus of our life has shifted back to "normal".  Thursday evening I attended a fully bi-lingual Maundy Thursday service.  We worshiped together with the Korean congregation that shares our space. The hymns were sung in English and Korean through each other and the message was translated. Scripture was read in one language and printed in the other. We celebrated communion together.  A little taste of heaven where all nations will worship together. The message was based on...

My children, I will be with you only a little longer...

...A new commandment I give you:

Love one another. 

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

The world will know you are my disciples

if you love one another.

John 13:33a, 34

bulletin cover by Leah Z.

Friday afternoon we had another opportunity for worship and reflection through Scripture readings, prayers, and music...

Our Lord suffered the agony of pain and death. 

His hands were nailed on the cross;

He was hung and lifted high, all for us.

Jesus, God's only Son poured out his water and blood

and accomplished our salvation.

Based on "The Nailed Hands of God" by Cindy Berry

This morning it was off to the grocery store where we were greeted by this colourful display!



tulips at the entrance of the grocery store

We brought home four baskets of groceries; two of them filled with fresh produce for juicing, green smoothies and salads and about half of the produce organic.  We're getting there. And what a luxury to have access to so much fresh produce!



colouring Easter eggs

This morning I coloured Easter eggs instead of the weekly cooking or baking during the garden show. And then this afternoon two hours outside clearing out some more dried plants from the front flower beds.  On the chair, off the chair, take down some plants, back on the chair, catch my breath for a while, admire the early little yellow crocuses and the snow drops, remove some more dried plants.  It's not my usual gardening pace, but it was still wonderful to be out there.

We're looking forward to our small group gathering this evening, breakfast at church before the Easter service and then family dinner here at our house.  Life goes on and sometimes it almost feels "normal".

First Gardening of the Season!

What a gorgeous day! Gerard was out almost all day, washing the car, picking up garbage in the neighbourhood, and cleaning up our property... and I was at my Bible reading group this morning, had a long nap and then went out to enjoy the sun. It felt so good! We had to spend time outside today, because for the next two days we'll mostly be inside for the fifth round of my chemo treatments.

 

So here's Gerard, helping spring along by raking the snow so it will melt faster.  On our side of the street most of the lawns are clear of snow and we're gardening and cleaning up, while across the street there are still piles of snow, making it look like a different season over there.

 

And here I am getting a start on some spring cleaning in the flower beds.  I sure don't have my normal energy level for gardening, but sitting on a little stool and pacing myself works. At least I got to enjoy the garden and clear away some of the sedums and other dried plants so we can see the fresh greenery that is starting to come up. 

 

Won't be long until we have crocus, grape hyacinth and daffodil flowers!

Transfusion Making a Difference

Well, that wasn't so bad.  The blood transfusion yesterday was just like my chemo treatments; same waiting around for things to get started, same choice of bed or reclining chair, same use of IV, just bags of blood instead of chemo.  They had to let it drip very slowly for the first fifteen minutes, taking my vital signs before and after to make sure my body would be OK with the new blood.  After that it was just a matter of waiting for the transfusion of the two units to be done.
 

today's harvest of beans from my bay window plants 

 

The transfusion itself was no big deal, but hearing the stories of my "neighbours" was harder.  Wow, some people go through a lot in their cancer journeys!  I learned something new yesterday.  My one "neighbour" has her own blood donor!  I think she has an uncommon type of blood or a complicated type to match, so when she needs blood, they call in her designated donor to donate the blood on one day and then the next day she comes in for her transfusion. Never heard of that before! 

 

Along my walk - good luck getting through there in case of an emergency!

 

Yesterday after the transfusion I didn't feel any difference at all, but today I did!  No more pounding heart beat and feeling winded when I climbed the basement stairs.  All morning I was waiting to lie down for a rest, but didn't need to.  This afternoon I went for a walk.  When I did a similar walk a few days ago I sat down on little walls and in a bus shelter three times to rest along the way.  Today I walked the whole distance without a rest. 

 

So it looks like the infusion of hemoglobin has boosted my energy level. This should carry me through the next two rounds of chemo. I'm so thankful for the availability of blood transfusions and grateful to all blood donors out there!  

Going in for a Blood Transfusion Tomorrow

 

We finally got to spend this Thursday morning with little grandson Oscar again after missing some Thursdays because of him being sick or me being in chemo treatments.  It's so much fun to just sit and watch him.  We took him out for a walk to see all the buses and trucks again. When I ask him, "Give Oma a kiss?" then he slowly moves towards me with his face right in front of mine  rubs his nose against my nose, backs up, and breaks out into a huge smile and/or starts laughing.  How can you not be totally in love with such a little charmer!?

 

snack time

 

He's no longer a baby.  What he's wearing kind of determines what age he looks.  When we arrive he's always still in his pyjamas making him look younger, and we get the fun job of picking out his little boy clothes for the day.  And then comes the fun job of getting him into these clothes; trying to get his squiggly wiggly arms and legs into the right places.  He's ticklish and giggly - it's lots of fun. And since we have all the time in the world when we're there, we just play along and enjoy.   

 

looking all grown up

 



So just when I figure I've got my life all under control, including exercising for the last four days, something happens to remind me that it's not mine to control.  I've told you how I've been feeling kind of winded early in the mornings just from getting up, after climbing stairs or walking up even the slightest slopes.  Well, early yesterday morning my heart was racing and wouldn't slow down. Using the microwave timer, I counted 140 heart beats per minute! Next time it was 120 and then 110.  Interestingly, Gerard was gone for his early morning swim, just like the last time something unusual happened. 

We were talking about heading for emergency when things settled down.  But we still called our primary care nurse, who talked to our oncologist, and told us to come in for blood tests.  The results confirmed what he suspected - my hemoglobin (red blood cells that carry oxygen to your vital organs) were exceptionally low.  He recommended a blood transfusion and to take it easy until the transfusion.  And if anything changed go straight to emergency.

 

Blood transfusion!?  That sounds serious and invasive!  I have cancer, am being treated with chemo, and now a blood transfusion to make up for chemo damage! What's next? But I was reassured that it is very common for chemo patients to have blood transfusions.  My mind is gradually shifting from being upset about it to being thankful that blood transfusions are available.  Our daughter wrote, "Sounds like you're finally getting some blood after all those years of giving." I like the blood centre's slogan, "It's in you to give" and it's good to be able to benefit from the generosity of many blood donors.

first day of spring looking more like mid winter 

So off we go for a blood transfusion tomorrow morning, starting at 7:45 am!  I don't know anything about blood transfusions.  How is it done?  How long does it take?  How will all the extra blood fit in, or do they take some of my own blood out?  I was told that the blood is very slowly given through IV (intravenus) taking about two to three hours per unit.  After the first unit they give a diuretic (to help you lose some of your water to make room for the extra blood) before administering the second unit.  In total it should take about five to six hours.  And I'm told I'll feel much better and have a lot more energy with the new blood.  I'm already feeling quite well, so how much better can it get?  I'll let you know after the transfusion. 

Seven Reasons Not to Worry

Today is the first day of spring!  It's a cold, crisp, sunshiny, snowy day.  Actually, it looks beautiful outside, but it sure doesn't feel or look anything like spring yet.

 
In celebration of spring - flowers at a produce market on Yonge Street
 

Because of my low immunity right now, we've been spending a fair bit of time around the house.  I've been reading a lot for the Bible reading program I'm involved in.  Being a bit behind, this is giving me the opportunity to catch up.  I finally made it through the Old Testament and am now into the Book of John in the New Testament.  It's been a good experience to read chapters at a time, just like you would with a novel. 

 

Here's something I ran across in my reading recently that I've been thinking of sharing with you here for a few days now, but somehow it hasn't found its way into a post yet.  On and off these reminders have been helpful in keeping me focussed on living in the present instead of worrying about the unknown future, which is unknown for all of us.

Seven Reasons Not to Worry based on Matthew 6:25-34
(as written up in the Life Application Bible for Students - p.872)

1.  The same God who created life in you can be trusted with the details of your life. (6:25)
2.  Worrying about the future hampers your efforts for today. (6:26)
3.  Worrying is more harmful than helpful. (6:27)
4.  God does not ignore those who depend on him. (6:28-30)
5.  Worry shows a lack of faith and understanding of God. (6:32)
6.  There are real challenges God wants us to pursue, and worrying keeps us from them.  (6:33)
7.  Living one day at a time keeps us from being consumed with worry. (6:34)

more spring colour at a Yonge Street produce market

Indoor Gardening on a Snowy Day

 Despite the new snow coming down outside today,
we have green beans growing indoors.
Some are almost ready to eat!

Getting Back into Exercising

Why is it so hard to get myself to exercise every day?!  A couple of years ago, after my diagnosis, I did it faithfully every morning.  Then I stopped for a while, and now I'm trying to get back into it, but am having a really hard time getting into a daily routine.

Almost two years ago I was introduced to gentle yoga in a class at Wellspring, the cancer support centre. It seemed like something that would be good for me at the time, so I went to our local library and checked out some beginner yoga DVD's. Every week I either renewed them by phone (max. 3x) or went back to exchange them for new ones. I gradually tried other beginner fitness DVD's, and more advanced ones, and got into pretty good shape, exercising and relaxing every day - I was in a daily routine. Then the muscles across my hips started bothering me, to the point that I was afraid of doing permanent damage by continuing.  So I cut back, first on the yoga, and gradually the rest of the exercise too, except for walking, which didn't bother me at all.  

My very first on-line purchase ever! 

Two of my favourite exercise DVD's at the moment

 

Over time I tried a lot of different DVD's from the library, gradually moving to more and more challenging ones.  I had my favourites that I kept borrowing over and over again, hoping they would be available.  It became a game; sometimes I would drop them off on my way to somewhere and come back through the library on my way home, hoping they had been reshelved and available for loan again. 

 

This summer I was assessed at a sports medicine clinic and got the diagnosis that I had strained my glutial muscles.  I attended one trial therapeutic exercise class and then got sidetracked with chemo treatments.  Fortunately, my muscles have healed up since then, and I'm now starting to exercise again, carefully. 

 

Back to the library for more DVD's.  And I also bought two of my favourite ones on-line (a brand new experience for me!), so now at least I'll always have them around.  Wow!  Am I ever out of shape!  It's going to take a while to get back to where I was a year ago.  At the moment I don't have much energy for aerobics so it's all very basic and gentle exercise.  But it's amazing how exercise relieves the chemo fatigue and how much better (happier) I feel after exercising.  OK, gotta get away from the computer and get exercising!

A Different Thursday

Today was day 8 after the beginning of the fourth round of chemo, so that means one of my wipe-out days. By now the chemo is showing its effect, meaning my blood count is probably at its lowest of this round and so I have the less energy for a few days.

We couldn't go to watch little Oscar today because they had sickness in the house and didn't want to put me at risk of catching anything from them.  So we spent a quiet relaxing day at home.

As usual, we started the day juicing and preparing a green smoothie, although today we made a kefir/blueberry/banana/flax smoothie for the first time.  It tasted alright, but was a bit too thick. We'll have to do some more experimenting with that one. While Gerard went lane swimming I did my exercising at home and then slept for the rest of the morning.
 

found this cute little crooked house along our walk today

After lunch we walked to Yonge Street to pick up a movie for tonight, only to find that our video store has gone the way of many video stores these days; out of business and nowhere to be found.  Shows you how often we rent a movie.  We didn't even know the shop was no longer there! 

Along the way I noticed this cute crooked little house in the playground of a nursery school for the first time, although  Gerard says it's been there for a long time already. O well, it was one of those fun surprises I love to find. Once home I sat and soaked up some sun on the front steps and then back on the couch sleeping the rest of the afternoon, dinner, and watching Voyage of the Dawntreader.  And that was my Thursday this week, a little different from our normal routine, yet restful and relaxing. 

In Yesterday's Mail

Love this picture! Found it on a flyer that we received in the mail yesterday.

A Cheerful Rainy Day

It's been a happy and wonderful day! I once again benefited from a,"This-is-good-for-lunch-out," birthday promisory note. Quality time and good adventurous food with a daughter-in-law is a wonderful gift! Today Rosemary treated me out for lunch at a very cozy mid-eastern restaurant and the food was delicious! I didn't get any pictures of her or the food, but did catch some of the colour along Yonge Street on our way.

window display along Yonge Street

 

When I arrived at Mark and Rosemary's they had just been for an ultrasound to determine the gender of the baby, but they're not telling!  No hint whatsoever!  But I did get to see the ultrasound picture.  What a miracle!

 

lots of colour along Yonge Street on a rainy day

 

And since Rosemary's on March Break from teaching this week, she's getting a head-start on some packing in preparation for the move to their new house in May.  So I helped out for a while.  It's fun to be part of the excitement and preparation for their new home! 

 

 

 

love the colourful produce markets spilling out onto the sidewalks! 



 



Once again it was good to be downtown today - riding the bus and subway, walking along Yonge Street, and just enjoying interesting things and people along the way. A very cheerful and colourful rainy day!

Realizing My Blessings

 

While spending my Saturday morning in the kitchen, I was reflecting on yesterday's post and realized that if I have a loss to grieve about, then it shows that I have experienced something that I loved.  And so while grieving about the losses I can also feel blessed by what I had.  And what I had was a number of jobs that I looked forward to going to on the majority of  my work days.  I had lots of volunteer experiences that I loved.  And when you volunteer somewhere you volunteer with wonderful people who have the same priorities and values and you experience good fellowship and family-like relationships.  And so musing on the paper work associated with all of those activities, I have memories of  thirty years of amazing blessings! 

flowers on my chemo garden's green bean plants

 

My Saturday morning in the kitchen was productive once again; a big pan of tomato soup made from our home grown tomatoes, and pumpkin muffins made from our jack-o-lantern pumpkin. 

 

We did round 4 of chemo treatments on Thursday and Friday and everything went well again.  This time for my chemo garden I trimmed back our impatients and trailing geraniums and prepared slips for new plants for the garden.  So no seeds this time, but instant slips, just waiting to grow roots.

 

Being at chemo this week made me realize once again how well my body is dealing with the chemo.

As I've said before, hearing other peoples' stories makes my treatments look like a walk in the park.  Even though I am getting a very strong dose of this chemo, the only side effects I can think of are some weight gain and a round "chemo face", some thinning out of my hair, increased sensitivity to some sounds (crinkling paper sounds like someone is crunching foil paper near my ears), shortness of breath when climbing stairs or walking up gentle inclines, some fatigue requiring long afternoon naps, and having to avoid crowds and sick people because of my compromised immune system.

 

Compare that to others who have dry eyes, dry mouth, change or loss of taste, blisters in mouth and throat so they can't eat - only drink or be fed through a tube, insomnia, swollen limbs or numbness in their extremities, head aches, pain that requires medication, infections with spiking fever that lands them in the hospital, complete hair loss (sometimes permanent) and the list goes on. 

 

I feel so blessed and at the same time hardly dare to express it because it means that I'm better off than all those others who have to suffer so much. At the same time it feels like there must be divine intervention in my case, because my response to this strong chemo seems extraordinary. I want to say, "Thank you, Lord!" but then how do the others respond to what they are experiencing even though they may be praying for the same thing to the same God?

 

chemo gardening after round 4:  preparing impatients and geranium slips

 

This afternoon as we were walking over to check on the home of friends of ours who are on vacation, I realized I am thankful that...

- I can actually walk forty minutes, albeit slowly and getting a little winded, but I can walk!

- I can feel the wind in my hair, ie. I have hair through which the wind can blow!

- I can see!

- I can hear the birds and the running water of the melting snow!

- I can enjoy the warmth of the sunshine!

- I have Gerard by my side all through this journey, supporting and caring for me!

- We have God who carries us through this whole journey and has our lives in his hands! 

 

I really am blessed!  Thank you, Lord!



Making Some Decluttering Progress

This is what our front porch looked like this morning... YES!  This is the result of some of the decluttering I've been doing lately, taking advantage of the indoor time before gardening season arrives.  That's when most of my motivation suddenly shifts out of doors and there won't be much interest in digging and sorting through "stuff" in the basement anymore. 

decluttered stuff ready for pick up by a charity

 

We frequently receive calls from charities like Cerebral Palsy, Community Living, Multiple Sclerosis, Arthritis Society, and this time the Children's Wish Foundation, asking for used household items, books, toys, or clothing.  You are asked to put it on your front porch by 8 am on a specified date.  They pick it up and sell it to Value Village to raise funds for their charity.  So today we got rid of all these boxes of "stuff" - mostly books.  Kind of exhilirating to see it go!

 

Every once in a while, usually while we're clearing away the Christmas decorations, or when spring is just around the corner, I get this urge to clean up. I suddenly feel overwhelmed by the full shelves and closets everywhere and just want to clear them out. But the reason they are so full is because I've hung on to it all for sentimental reasons, clinging to the past, not wanting this to be the last time I ever get to see whatever it is. Or maybe my children will want to show this to their children, or we might use it again.

a partially empty shelf and lots of paper in the recycling bin!

 

Ironically there is much that hasn't seen the light of day for up to 30 years!!!  So a few weeks ago when the mood struck me, I took advantage of it and brutally (in my mind) shredded and recycled binders full of notes, sample policies, minutes, and other resources from former jobs, committees I've served on and courses I've taken over the last twenty years.  Wow!  This paper all represents hours and hours of work which all seemed so important and urgent at the time! 

 

Sorting through these binders brought back so many memories!  I've served on a lot of task forces, committees, boards, and had a lot of great jobs - mostly in administrative capacities - so that's why I had so much documentation, and was keeping it all just in case I'd need to reference it again in the future.  I love administration!  I love being involved at the hub of any organization; analyzing and organizing the structure, the dynamics, the communication patterns. interacting with the people involved and knowing what's going on!   

 

Glimpses of thirty years flashed through my mind and all of a sudden I was in tears - just sobbing, and I am again as I write this.  I had hoped to still be involved in some of these things, and at the moment I just can't.  My brain doesn't process things quickly enough to listen to discussions, translate them and sort them all out in my brain, put it down on paper in an organized fashion, and then onto the computer (on which things that I used to do all the time, have changed and so take a lot of effort to figure out).

 

It does not feel good to be living on the sidelines, kind of watching the world go by and not knowing what is going on anywhere. I'm experiencing this all as a real loss and am wondering what God has in mind for me.  How and where can I serve now if I can't depend on the strengths that have always determined where I fit in? 

 

So this is why this decluttering and purging gets postponed a lot.  I find most of it very traumatic.  I wish I could be as practical about it as Gerard is.  But because I'm not, the house is filled mostly with my clutter.  So if I want/need things to be simplified and less overwhelming for my slower functioning brain, it's up to me to take care of my "stuff".  And that's what I'm doing, bit by bit.  Some of it is emotional and other parts are exhilirating and refreshing. Like my shoe story... 

 

my favourite running shoes re-soled ready for a few more miles

 

In the process of sorting through a closet I came across these summer running shoes (used for walking).  They've been back and forth to Australia with me twice.  The soles were worn to such a slant that I couldn't wear them anymore, but kept them because I liked them so much and have not been able to find replacements that could match up to these wonderful shoes.  I didn't think running shoes could be repaired, but we took a chance and did the old-fashioned simple living thing and took them to the shoe repair shop just in case.  And sure enough!  They feel as good as new again!  I love how they look, they're nice and cool in the summer and they are the most comfortable shoes ever! 

 

So not all the decluttering results in tears and feelings of loss.  Some of it feels really great!  It clears up the house and clears up the brain and is very rewarding.  So I'll keep at it bit by bit until gardening time, and leave the rest for another time. 

Anticipating Spring

We've been seeing a cardinal around the house lately and are hearing birds chirping away on some mornings; both signs that spring is on its way.  And then when I flipped all the calendars over to March the other day, it really felt like spring was coming closer.  After all, March equals March (spring) Break which usually equals warmer temperatures with melting snow and puddles everywhere.

 dripping downspout and icicles along my walk

 

On my walk to catch some sun and get some exercise the other day, I heard water running everywhere and was dodging puddles on the sidewalk.  When I got home I sat on the front steps just soaking in the sun and listening to the water running off the roof through the downspout.  Ahhh! a little preview of spring!  Can't wait to see green things start popping out of the ground! I tried to change the picture at the top of my blog to reflect the coming of spring, but can't find the picture I was planning to use.  The new springy look will hopefully be back up soon. 

 

snow's shadow that looks like a city skyline

 

On yesterday's sunshiny exercise walk the snow's shadow on the sidewalk reminded me of a city skyline.  One of the side-effects of my chemo treatments this time around has been that I get winded very easily from climbing the basement stairs and from walking up even the gentlest slope on my walks. By the time I reach the top of the stairs, especially first thing in the morning, I usually have to sit down for a while to catch my breath.   

 

And I never realized how many gentle slopes we have in our neighbourhood!  I always thought it was very level here,  but I can sure tell when I've reached the top of even the gentlest slope (out of breath) and also when it starts going down hill again and the going gets much easier.  The oncologist explained this by saying that when my hemoglobin count is low due to the chemo, I'm getting less oxygen in my blood, causing me to be short of breath with anything that requires some extra effort. So it's nothing serious and should clear up once the chemo treatments are done and my blood counts are back up to normal again. 

 

nice colourful bouquet that we received as a gift last week

 

Can't wait until we have flowers in the garden again!  This bouquet has provided a welcome splash of colour in our living room this week!  This past week has been really good.  The positive MRI report injected some extra energy into my system and I've just been feeling really well overall.  We went to visit my dad and my brother last week, both of whom we hadn't seen since December, so it was really good to get to visit with both of them. 

 

So tomorrow and Friday will be my next round of chemo (#4 of 6). Please pray that the next three rounds of chemo will take care of any remaining cancer.  We really appreciate your support! 

Good MRI Report!

On Tuesday I had an MRI (scan of my head, especially my eyes) to find out how the chemo is doing now that we're halfway the treatments. This morning the oncologist told us the results: "It's a good report". There are no new lesions and those that are in my eye are thinner than they used to be. So the cancer has been arrested (goal # 1), the lesions have been reduced (goal #2) and now we ask for your continued prayers that the chemo will completely wipe out any remaining cancerous lymphoma cells (goal #3). We are thankful and hopeful.

welcomed at the front door by l'il Oscar 



Oscar was waiting at the front door for us as we arrived yesterday. We took him for a walk without the stroller for the first time.  He walked a long way, constantly motivated by the next bus, firetruck, bulldozer, or other large vehicle that absolutely fascinated him. When he saw a firetruck he started making the sound of a siren.  I couldn't believe that he made the connection between his picture books and the real things outside, and also that he expressed such an interest in these vehicles at such a young age!

fascinated by the buses!  "bu.. bu...!"

and the construction vehicles and workers

Last fall I gave Gerard a nice warm hoody for his birthday.  I have given him clothes as gifts before, but they almost always get returned.  However, he actually likes and wears this hoody!  And so do I.  It is so warm and cozy and comfortable! Last week when we were out on the road one day, Gerard suggested we take a detour and buy the same hoody for me.  So now we are comfortable hoody twins!  I always vowed I would never walk around with my husband in look-alike clothes.  But these are SO comfortable, they have qualified as an exception, just for around the house or maybe the campfire.  Never say never!

the comfortable hoody twins

 

In addition to the good MRI news, the other good news is that after three rounds of chemo I still have my hair - at least most of it.  It has been thinning out, but not completely falling out.  I lose about 20 to 30 hairs each morning and evening when I give it a good brushing.  And for the rest I hardly find any loose hairs on my pillow or clothes.  As my hair was becoming thinner it was getting limp and unmanageable so I got it cut good and short which makes it look thicker.  I'm so thrilled to still have most of my hair!  If it hasn't all fallen out by now, I think I'll make it through to the end of the chemo with at least some of my hair intact.  Completely loosing my hair from the radiation last time was the most traumatic part of the whole cancer experience for me, so this has been a huge relief so far!