Saturday Morning Out

My niece Anna was here for a visit on Saturday.

I heard on the radio that Prince Philip was going to participate in a ceremony at Queen's Park. And then there would be "the largest military parade Toronto has ever seen" in honour of the visit by the prince and also the 200-year commemoration of the battle of York of 1813 at Fort York.

So hoping to catch some of the excitement, we headed downtown on the subway and enjoyed the warm sun and each other's company as we waited along University Avenue for the parade to come by. Lots of colour and energetic marching music.  It was fun to be there.  Wish I knew more about the army, navy, and air force, especially what the various symbols, colours, and hats of their uniforms represent. My dad would have loved all the bagpipes!

We were very surprised to see this poster on the subway train...

Bus Stop Bible Studies

This and That

Just a little bit of this and that...

*  We bought these pansies yesterday.  I just love them!  Now I get to enjoy their friendly little faces whenever I look out onto the deck from the kitchen door. 

pansies on the deck

 

* Did you see the full moon last night?  It was HUGE! 

 



last night's full moon

 

* I've heard that some people store valuable jewellery in jars in their refrigerators for safe keeping.  Our refrigerator has a thousand dollars worth of medication sitting out in full view!  We were shocked to hear that these weekly injections I have to take for six weeks to stimulate my bone marrow to produce hemoglobin cost $500. each!  Fortunately we qualified for the Trillium Foundation's drug plan which covers most of the cost. 

 

$1,000. worth of medication right here! 

 

* I read in the paper recently that a duiker was born in the San Diego zoo.  Kind of strange to see our last name in the list of animals born in the zoo.  A duiker is a small South African antelope that looks like it's diving as it runs through the grass (duiker means diver in Afrikaans). 

 

* I just love this little lemon, especially with the leaf on it!  A friend of mine from church gave it to me.  She grew this on her lemon tree in their living room.  And yes, even though it is orange, it is a lemon. I tasted it. 

 

cute little lemon (about 3 cm across)

Orientation, Disorientation and Re-orientation

There is a chapter from the Bible that has been coming my way over and over again from various sources for the last two years.  And there it was again on Sunday!  Our pastor spoke about Psalm 30.  What he said has been on my mind all week and also came up again in the discussion in our Bible reading group on Tuesday.   

The verses that I've shared with you here before say: 1) O Lord my God, I pleaded with you, and you gave me my health again. 2) You brought me back from the brink of the grave, from death itself, and here I am alive!... 13) O Lord my God, I will keep on thanking you forever! (Psalm 30: 2,3, - Life Application for Students Bible) 

I've sometimes wondered whether I was misquoting them totally out of context and projecting my own circumstances onto them. And I've also felt guilty for not "thanking you forever".  I've doubted God's healing power and am wondering whether the cancer is really gone. 

masses of daffodils in full bloom greeted us around our church on Sunday

 

Well, on Sunday I heard a new perspective on what Psalm 30 may also be saying. If we are on a journey with God in our life, that journey may include times of struggle and weeping.  In life it helps to expect this and in to know that these circumstances are temporary; we are ultimately heading to praising God forever. 

 

A structure based on Psalm 30, to help us understand how life goes and how God works is... (the pastor's words plus a few of my own thrown in here and there):

a.  Orientation (prosperity) - we're sailing through life and thinking we can manage on our own - an "idolatry of self-sufficiency".  (I never looked at that as idolatry before.)

b.  Disorientation (dismay) - something happens that throws us off and we may feel like our life is being "interrupted", but this is our life.  Our basic assumptions and beliefs may feel challenged. We are struggling; ultimately struggling with God.

c. Re-orientation (praise) -  During this time of disorientation be open to a re-orientation from God.  "God, show me dimensions of our relationship I have never experienced before." 

 

So be aware of this structure of how life journeying with God can go.  Hang on.  Pray for mercy.  Weep, and God will bring a new day of life in his presence when we will praise him forever. 

 

I have been cruising through life in the "orientation" mode for many years.  Then this cancer "interrupted" my life.  I kept waiting to pick up life again; for my life to get back to "normal". The basic assumptions and beliefs in my life were challenged and I struggled with God.  I prayed for spiritual healing and God is giving me a new orientation to life.  I realize now that everyone has their own story of disorientation and circumstances that change their lives dramatically.  I'm learning that those are not interruptions; those are part of the journey of life that God has us on.  How theologically sound all of this is, I have no idea, but it has been my personal experience.  

 



Wiping Out After Chemo

Two days ago marked the end of the steroids that accompanied last week's chemo. I took full advantage of all the extra energy they gave me this past weekend. By now the full effects of the chemo are kicking in. My hair is falling out faster for a few days again and I don't have a whole lot of energy. However, in between long naps and going to bed early at night, I've still attended our Bible reading group yesterday, and done some things around the house and garden.

card that came in the mail today

 

Today was my day out, going by public transit to run a few errands, going to the lab for blood work and then attending a class about "Boosting Your Immunity" at the cancer support centre. Compared to my usual excitement about going out for a day like that it all felt rather low-key today. Just too tired I guess.

 

However, with renewed energy from a nap and dinner, it was exciting to drop by Mark and Rosemary's new house to check out the progress on their renovations.  I'm so glad we saw it before they started making any changes so that now we can see the difference and, despite all the construction mess, we could see the improvements that have been made already. 

 

Both little Oscar and his mommy have have colds so we can't go to visit there tomorrow.  Maybe that's not so bad.  I won't have to get up early and can just wipe out and rest as much as I need to.  Looking forward to a good long night's sleep and another good day tomorrow.  

The Blanket Exercise

Last night at church I had the opportunity to participate in a most interesting experience called "The Blanket Exercise".

The Blanket Exercise is a tool developed by KAIROS following the landmark report of the "Royal Commission on Aboriginal People" that literally walks participants through the history of relationships between Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal people in Canada. It helps participants understand why reconciliation is needed and how to take steps toward reconciliation and new relationships. (http://www2.crcna.org/pages/publicdialogue_blankets.cfm)

Turtle Island (North America)

 

These blankets represent North America (Turtle Island) and we, as the aboriginal people, were asked to "inhabit Turtle Island" by standing on the blankets.  The narration was done from the perspective of the aboriginal people of Canada and covered the history of the relationship between them and the non-aboriginal people of Canada.  Various participants were given slips of paper with instructions and asked to read laws passed in Europe that gradually took away the land and the rights of the aboriginal people. 

 

This was symbolized by such things as folding the blankets, gradually making our "land" smaller. Children were sent away to boarding schools on another blanket and when they returned to their own blanket (community) they were shunned by others.  It's hard to describe the whole exercise.  If you're interested you can google "Blanket Exercise" and it will show You-tube videos and the whole script. 

 

 

 

This exercise was really interesting and informative!  It gave me a totally different perspective on this period of history and the relationship between the aboriginal and non-aboriginal people in Canada.  In school we only learned it from the European perspective.  I was actually kind of shocked at some of the history! It was a real eye-opener for me and was a brief introduction to a whole new awareness of the reasons and need for reconciliation between the indigenous and non-indigenous people of Canada. 

Yesterday's Third Surprise

Yesterday I ended my post with, "I've heard it said that good things come in threes, so I wonder what's next?" Well, sure enough! Around dinner time the third surprise rolled in.  A friend called to ask whether I might feel up to attending the Inspirational Women's Conference on Saturday?  Someone else had to cancel out so, even though this is very last minute notice, would I like to come along to Oakville for the whole day?  Wow!  Surprise number three!

 

Even though I've been avoiding crowds because of my compromised immune system, this invitation really excited me! For some reason I felt really drawn to going, but... will it be safe?  Will I have enough energy for such a long day?  I am still on steroids, so I might be able to time those to carry me through the day.  There might be a quiet place, like a prayer room or the car, where I can wipe out for a while... I almost talked myself out of it again. 

 

 

But I did go and had an amazing day along with about 750 other women; music, heart warming and emotionally moving testimonies of God's provision and grace in women's lives, fun exercise in between speakers... and one whole day of feeling "normal" again.  I can't even begin to tell you all about it.  Let's just say that it was a wonderful day of inspiration.  Through all the stories it confirmed to me again that despite difficult circumstances, "In Christ alone my hope is found.  He is my light, my strength my song..."  Thank you, Lord for nudging me to attend this wonderful day!

Today's Surprises, So Far...

This morning I found little spinach seedlings poking up out of the soil outside in the garden!  Yay! Surprise!  Hopefully the pea seeds will start sprouting soon too.  It is a joy to walk around the garden these days with all kinds of new growth popping out of the ground; rhubarb, chives, multiplier onions, all kinds of perennials and all kinds of flowers from bulbs: the tiny early red tulips, yellow daffodils and crocuses, white anonymous little star-like flowers, purple crocusses, and blue scillas and anemonies.  I love this time of year!

our mini early red tulips

 

And then just before lunch an unfamiliar van pulled into our driveway.  Up the walkway came a florist with this bright colourful flower arrangement!  The little card says, "Celebrating your last day of treatment, We love you!"  This second surprise came from a family in our church community! Wow!  This symbol of their love and support brought tears to our eyes. It's amazing to be part of such a supportive and loving church family! 

 "Celebrating last day of treatment.  We love you!"

 

I've heard it said that good things come in threes, so I wonder what's next?

Last Round of Chemo All Done!

We're all done with my chemo treatments!  Today I received the second half of the sixth and last round.  It's a tradition in some chemo therapy units that you get to ring a bell to mark and celebrate the end of your treatments, so here I am, ringing the bell. I rang it good and loud and we heard some of the nurses and/or patients in the ward cheering for us when they heard it. 
 

ringing the "I'm-all-done-with-my-chemo!" bell

 

And here are my "chemo buddies".  Between Gerard and Alida one of them was always with me through all twelve days of treatment!  Even though I could have managed there on my own, it was great to experience their obvious show of concern, love and support!  And so since they shared in the experience of all the treatments it was also fitting that they were both there to celebrate the end with the ringing-of-the-bell ceremony.  It was all pretty emotional and we were all kind of teary-eyed, but recovered in time for this picture.

 

 

Alida decided we needed to do more to mark the occasion so she treated us out for lunch at The Pickle Barrel near her place.  Once again it was good spending some good quality family time over good food, sitting back reflecting a bit over the time since my first diagnosis and realizing that because they really weren't sure that I was going to make it through that very first week, we've already been blessed with two whole bonus years!

 

spring planters we saw on our way to the restaurant

 

All of a sudden I noticed how similarly Gerard and Alida were dressed today; a little different fashion styles, but the colours were almost the same!  

 

like father, like daughter 

So now we are looking for some relief from the constant ups and downs of the chemo rounds and from all the appointments and time spent at the cancer clinic. This last round of chemo will continue to work in my body for a few weeks yet and I'll still be receiving four more weekly Eprex injections to stimulate my bone marrow to produce hemoglobin.  I still have some of my hair and I'm hoping most of it will survive this last round as the chemo continues its effects for a while yet.

 

Once again I have mixed feelings about the chemo being over.  Even though I don't like the thought of all this poison in my body, I'm grateful for the availability of these treatments.  It is comforting to know that something is being done to fight the cancer.  We have an MRI scheduled for May 3rd, to see the results of the treatments.  The doctor has said that regardless of the outcome, my body needs a rest from the chemo so there will be no further treatments for the time being.  That is the concerning part about the chemo being over, then if there is still cancer remaining nothing is being humanly done about it. 

 

We realize once again that this is not in our control.  We just can't travel this journey in our own strength.  I am so relieved that we that we may continue to put our trust in The Great Physician and pray that God will continue to use the chemo for ongoing healing.  At this point we can only trust God with our future. It is a huge comfort to know God is always with us and is our source of hope and strength.  It is also good to know that we have a huge network of love and support and prayer out there.  Thank you all so much!

Last Round of Chemo Tomorrow and Thursday

In between 2 or 3 or 4-hour naps, sometimes both in the morning and afternoon, there have still been lots of things happening this past week.  I just haven't been down to the computer to post anything, so now you're getting a hodgepodge of everything at once.  The first excitement and source of inspiration was a daytrip with daughter Alida.  The two of us went to visit my free-spirited nephew Joel, and Jeff happened to be home too. I find it exciting and inspiring to spend time with people like Joel who think and act "outside of the box".   

 

Joel painted his piano recently just because he felt like it

 

and turned part of his basement into an "urban farming grow - op"

in preparation for his backyard vegetable and flower garden,

 

and then expanded his growing operation out into the van on his driveway.

 

I'd love to feel some of that freedom - to just follow my inspirations instead of (rationally?) talking myself out of everything.  After having green juice and an exciting visit there, we went on to see Jen and little Jack.  We were warmly welcomed with huge smiles and hugs.  Nephew Steve happened to be home from his framing job because it was pouring that morning - so bonus for us. 

 

They gave us the grand tour of their new home and treated us with wonderful hospitality to homemade soup, bread, and cookies.  Delicious!  We got to meet 6-month-old Jack for the first time.  Yes, he is as dear and loveable as his Opa & Oma and uncles and aunties have been "bragging" about... and full of smiles - not shy at all!  I wish I had taken some pictures. 

our grandson Oscar wiping out after a walk around the block with Opa

 

We spent Thursday morning with Oscar again.  He's just switching from two naps per day to one, and compensates by just wiping out in the middle of the floor every once in a while. 

 



the "ice storm" one day...

 

We didn't really have much ice here, but it was cold and wet.  The weather has been all over the place.  One day everything was all white with ice and snow and the next it was sunny and I was working in the garden again.  By now the peas and spinach seeds are in and most of the front yard flowerbeds have been spring cleaned and edged.  So wonderful to be out there in the warm sun, even though I have my chair close by and have to really pace myself.

 

... and sunshine, warmth, wasps (see it?)  and flowers (scillas) the next day 

 

I constantly get asked, "How are you feeling?  You look great!"  It's hard to know how to answer.  I'm amazed at how well I've been managing with the chemo treatments. They are, however, starting to wear my hemoglobin counts down, which makes me feel tired a lot of the time.  But with the weekly injections to stimulate my bone marrow to produce more hemoglobin, with lots of naps, and pacing myself, I still feel fine and do what I can - which is quite a lot. 

 

We hosted our small group on Friday, went to church twice on Sunday, our small group hosted the New Members Class for a potluck lunch on Sunday, had some telephone visits... there must have been more, but I can't remember everything that happened this past week.

 

freesias inside the house remind me of Holland

 

O yes, on Friday morning and again evening (during our small group meeting) I had an attack of abdominal pains just inside my whole rib cage.  It was extremely uncomfortable and painful.  We think it might have been a gas bubble in my intestines. I was worried that the chemo might be damaging my intestinal tract.  It was scary and very upsetting.  The next day I didn't want to deal with life or cancer or anything else, so I didn't get up until 3 pm. I enjoyed the warmth and comfort of our bed, just listening to talk shows on the radio and ignoring everything else. 

 

So that's how life is these days.  I try to live in the moment, one day at a time, praying each morning for God's guidance, presence, and peace (and healing!).  Most days are wonderful and we definitely experience the "peace that passes all understanding" and then once in a while there are difficult moments or days.  I'd like you to include Gerard in your prayers - my dear husband and caregiver.  At times I think a journey like this may be harder on the caregiver than on the patient. 

 

So tomorrow and Thursday we're off to the cancer centre for the last round of chemo. I'll try to keep you posted.  Thanks for your ongoing prayers and support! 

Refreshing Spring Rain

It's raining! Yay! That's exactly what I was hoping for!  In between a long nap this morning and another long one this afternoon, I was out in the front yard for a few hours doing some more spring clean-up.  Last year's tomato bed along the side of the house has the annual rye (green manure) turned over and is ready for the peas.  So now that it's raining I can put the seeds in.  I'll soak them overnight and then put them out in the morning so they can stay moist in the rain. 
 

last Easter's kalanchoe in full bloom again this year

In the last 24 hours we experienced a seder dinner (Passover meal) followed by a potluck dinner, I Skyped with my niece in China for an hour, had three big long naps and still slept all night, worked in the garden and now am enjoying our warm dry home and a warm coffee substitute drink while hearing the spring rains come down against the windows outside.  Another good day!

The First Seeds are In!

Today I started up seeds to mark the completion of my fifth round of chemo; spinach this time, and they are outside - the first seeds of the season out in the garden! We started the day off with making juice and green smoothies, grocery shopping (including getting manure and seeds), cooking while listening to the garden show, hosting brother Bart and Wendy for lunch, a long nap, and then two hours of gardening!

It feels so good to be working out there again! Looking out of the living room window I can see the progress I made bit by bit the last few days, with cleaning up and edging the flower beds out front.  I'm also trying to get rid of a ground cover that has taken over the whole place.  I can't believe I actually bought these plants!  They look nice, but are so invasive! 

And I prepared some spots to grow spinach.  The seeds are in, areas are staked out, and now I'm waiting for the rain.  On the next nice day I hope to put in some peas.  Now that the beds are starting to look neater I can't wait for the rain to come.  It will make the soil and plants look rich and fresh and springy! 
  

our new friend up the street

 

After gardening we took a stroll up the street and discovered this little guy.  The owner of the house came out when he saw me taking this picture.  He said it was a birthday gift from one of his kids. Not sure how he felt about it, but he was amused that we enjoyed it.  He usually has his own wooden creations in his front flower beds, so this is something completely different.  Kind of fun! 

Accept Each Day As It Comes

I just opened my blog and... Surprise!  There's a new picture at the top of my blog! I had this picture for quite a while last year and then changed it to the fall leaves. But with spring in the air these tulips and robin eggs are so refreshing - full of colour and new life.  I'd mentioned to our son Mark that I was hoping to change the picture some time.  Without saying anything he changed it from his home and surprised me with it today!

And here's a quote to share with you, copied from my sister's recent Facebook status:

I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.  (from "Jesus Calling")

Easter basket

 

This line of thinking has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm constantly struggling with and trying to figure out what life is all about. How do I live my life?  I get so easily distracted and thrown off by every little circumstance that comes my way.  Instead of making it all feel so complicated and trying to figure it out, this sounds like advice Gerard would give - simple and common sense - no deep turmoil and struggle - simply...  "Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all."

in Mommy's boots

 

So I've been trying to focus on being thankful and on accepting and living each day as it comes.  So much happens every day and my mind is trying to process so many things, that what appears here in this blog is only a small reflection of what all goes through my head.  So many relationships and feelings can't be photographed.  So much is difficult to put into words. I am always amazed at the way some people are able to express their thoughts so clearly (like the quote above). 

 

So each day is filled with all kinds of thoughts and activities.  Life is just rolling along. We spent time with Little Oscar again on Thursday.  As you can see above, his latest thing is trying to walk in Mommy and Daddy and Pappa Ken's footwear.  Today we got to see the inside of Mark and Rosemary's new house for the first time.  They got the key yesterday and start renovations tomorrow.  So I'm glad we got to see it the way they got it so we'll be able to appreciate the changes they've made when it's all done.  Moving day is the middle of May. Very exciting!   

Busy Living Life

Life has been so full and wonderful the last few days, I don't even know where to start.  First of all we remembered and celebrated Christ's death and resurrection on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Again, like this past Christmas, I've been experiencing it on a different level and it all seems so much deeper and more meaningful for me this year.

the first snowdrops of the season

 

And once again I realize that I am an extrovert; I need to be out there interacting with people.  It energizes and inspires me and makes me feel so much better.  I've been staying somewhat isolated lately because of my compromised immune system so this weekend was good for me with lots of socializing.  We met with our small group, had Easter breakfast at church, had the family over for Easter dinner, celebrated my dad's birthday with family, attended lots of church services...  Sometimes I wonder whether it's better to isolate myself to protect my health but then I feel kind of depressed, or to take the risk of being out there and ending up feeling much happier, which they say is also healthier.

 

   rhubard is starting to come up!

 

On Monday we went to visit my dad to celebrate his 88th birthday with family.  He is in good health, he preached on Sunday, e-mails and Facebooks with his grandchildren... I'm so impressed! and also thankful that he is doing so well and that we still have this time together. These days he often reflects on how blessed he feels, how God has provided for him all of his life, and how very real God's presence is to him every day.  It's inspiring and encouraging. 

 

first mini-crocuses of the season came out last week 

 

After the busy weekend, I expected today to be my "crash out day", also especially since yesterday I had my last steroid pill for this last round of chemo.  But I had so much energy today, I finally had to force myself onto the couch to slow down because I was just going, going, going - sorting, purging, cleaning the aquarium, visiting by phone with a former neighbour, planning a day trip for next week, e-mailing and phoning re. some church responsibilities, potting impatients cuttings, pruning the rose of sharon bush, going for a walk... I just couldn't stop.  Having so much energy and motivation sure felt good! and I had a great day!