You'd think that with last week's good news, that the tumors are all gone from my brain, I'd be jumping up and down with excitement and full of motivation for doing all kinds of things. But I feel almost guilty and ungrateful by saying that I haven't really felt like doing much of anything since then - no gardening, no picture taking, not much writing in this blog...

I had been looking forward to this month of August so much! No more chemo and hardly any appointments! We could go out and do things and visit people and work in the garden. But now I don't really feel like doing much. It seems like such a waste of time! Somehow I feel like now I should be making the most of every day, and I'm just hanging around getting bored and annoyed with myself.

People tell me not to worry about it. I don't have to be productive right now. This is my time to take care of myself and to get better. A few weeks ago I had tons of energy. I was wondering where it all came from and then I got shingles. It was pretty mild. The rash is almost gone already and I swallowed the last pill yesterday. It seems that either the shingles itself or the medication for it has made me tired.

And then yesterday we found out I have cataracts in both eyes, with the left eye just starting and the right eye being more advanced. I was quite discouraged about having another thing to deal with, but Gerard was greatly relieved that it was only cataracts that were making my vision blurry, and not something more serious.

Then when one of my friends heard that it was cataracts she was so excited and relieved, that I finally realized that this diagnosis was another blessing. The doctor reminded me that two years ago he had predicted the eye surgery would most likely result in cataracts in a few years. The radiation usually causes cataracts as well, so now I have them already. And they can be removed, probably sometime after all my treatments are finished.

This all sounds so boring! A few days ago I decided I wasn't going to write anymore of these boring medical updates. I read through some of my blog posts written in February and March. Wow! Was I ever high on steroids then! Everything seemed so beautiful and exciting then and I had so many pictures! I could do with a little of that steroid energy right about now.

I'm not quite sure what the focus of this blog is anymore, at least not the last few days. It used to be my way of looking at the bright side of things by counting my blessings because I tend to look at the negative side of things first. Now it has kind of turned into a place to keep people updated on my cancer situation, but that gets kind of boring after awhile.

All this up and down of my emotions and energy levels is so confusing and sometimes frustrating! At the same time, we experience so many blessings throughout it all, that I feel guilty about complaining or sounding negative. I tend to think that I'll get back to living once all this cancer stuff is over. Then I'm reminded of John Lennon's quote:" Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."

Anyways, I think I'd better head for bed to get some sleep. My mom would say, "Things always look better in the morning."

Doing Well Despite Shingles

Just a quick update to let you know that I'm doing fine despite having shingles. Within four hours of discovering the rash I was on anti-viral medication and within 48 hours the rash stopped spreading. The next day it started fading. Only two of the four sites developed a few blisters and only one site is still itchy. No pain. No discomfort. No complications.

However, the medication is making me very sleepy so I'm getting lots of rest and not taking many pictures or going places or seeing people. One morning I slept in until 9:30 and the next day until 11:30! I'm going to try skipping my sleeping pill tonight because the combination of the two medications seems to be knocking me out.

We were advised by two doctors and by my sister that I might still be contagious, so to stay away from pregnant women and anyone who might have a compromised immune system. Unfortunately this means that I had could not attend DIL Melanie's baby shower this afternoon and church this morning so missed meeting our missionaries who were there today.

I had a good cry about that, but then decided that in the grand scheme of things I feel so blessed! I couldn't attend the shower today, but this week we got the amazing news that the tumors are all gone, and so, Lord willing, I will get to actually see and hold this little baby in a few weeks! Who would have thought that six months ago!

Considering what I've heard and read about shingles, I'm having a real easy time of it, just like with my chemo treatments. Ever since the initial diagnosis, whenever there has been the possibility of two different outcomes, it has always turned out to be the more positive outcome.

There is nothing that we have done to influence these outcomes. When people say, "Congratulations!" that the tumors are all gone, I'm not really sure how to respond because I didn't do anything to make them disappear. All I can say is, "Praise God! or Thank you, Lord!" and receive and treat every day and every thing as a gift from God.

Praise God! Good News!

Praise God! The tentative good news of last Friday was confirmed today; many prayers have been answered and the chemo was successful - the brain tumors are all gone! Wow!  What a gift!  What a blessing!  When the doctor called us this morning and told us this news Gerard and I just looked at each other and both started crying and hugged each other.  What a relief!  Such good news! 

So now we're on to stage 2 of the treatment - radiation.  Today we went for our first radiation planning session.  They took a picture of me - so they know they're radiating the right person :)  Then they did a CAT scan and made a mask for my face.  They put a warm piece of plastic gauze-like material on my face and then smoothed it down all over to give it the exact shape of my face.  Then they peeled it off and let it cool off to set.  They put marks on this mask to show where the radiation has to go.  The whole mask is to make sure my head is in exactly the same position each time and so I don't move my head. 

sample mask - not mine

From here on in they will do the rest of the measurements and planning by computer.  On September 6 I'll start having daily radiation of my head and eyes for 12 days.  This is to clear up any random cancer cells that may still be floating around up there.  They are paying special attention to the eyes because that's where this may all have started two years ago when they withdrew fluid from both eyes, questioned whether it might be lymphoma, but couldn't come up with anything conclusive.

The doctor told us they would be using Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy (IMRT).  With this type of therapy "the intensity of the radiation can be changed during treatment to spare more adjoining normal tissue than is spared during conventional radiation therapy.... IMRT is a type of conformal radiation, which shapes radiation beams to closely approximate the shape of the tumor ... (or the healthy cells they're trying to avoid). - quote from the Internet somewhere

So the doctor explained that  this type of radiation will allow them to radiate inside the scalp instead of straight through the scalp, in this way hopefully saving my hair.  And the same with my eyes, they can curve the radiation to avoid affecting the lenses of my eyes.  Unbelievable what they are able to do these days!

Now we have the next two weeks off with no other appointments at all.  Gerard is very ready for a few low-key days after the busy weekend and all the excitement around the shingles yesterday and the appointment today.  I'm also going to try to take care of myself and get lots of rest to hopefully get over this shingles thing soon.  Right now it's still spreading and itchy.  Otherwise I'm fine. The doctor said the medication should start taking effect and stopping the spreading tomorrow.  We'll pray the medication will work and that there will be no complications. 

Thank you all for your loving support and prayers!

yesterday's harvest

Shingles?

What an emotional roller coaster! Half an hour after I pressed "save" on the previous post, in which I was all excited about feeling so well, I saw that a blistery rash I noticed yesterday had spread quite a bit. We phoned the oncologist on call and he was able to see us right away at the Sunnybrook Emergency. He told us to report to triage and they would page him. That was the fastest visit to the ER I've ever experienced!

Anyway, he's not sure I have shingles, but is treating me as if I do. It's quite common in people who've been on steroids and chemo. If you've ever had chicken pox then this virus remains dormant in your body. Chemo and steroids create the right environment for this virus to become active again in the form of shingles.

The earlier it is treated, especially within the first 72 hours, the more effective the medication seems to be. So please pray with us that the medication will work and that I won't have any serious complications if this is shingles.

Here I was feeling all nice and smug and confident, thinking I probably had this cancer licked, and then I get the wind knocked out of my sails within half an hour. I think God may be trying to tell me that it's not in my control and that I need to depend on Him and trust Him more.

In the midst of this disappointment, I see God taking care of us.  Humanly speaking, the fact that the thought of shingles occurred to me, I googled it and found out it needs to be treated within 72 hours, we got to see an oncologist and I swallowed my first pill all within four hours of noticing that the rash was spreading, seems unbelievable.  It all came together so quickly!  Thank you, Lord!

I Ran for the Bus Yesterday!

I ran to catch the bus at Lawrence Station yesterday! While that may not seem like a big deal to you, it was a big deal for me. This was the first time in at least half  a year that the message, "run!" from my brain, translated into action making my legs and feet move quickly in response.  This is so exciting!  It makes me realize that there is progress in my recovery. 

I've also noticed improvement in my walking.  There are still times (but they are becoming fewer and farther between) when I have to pay attention to my walking and be intentional about it.  But the other night we had been walking for almost half an hour when Gerard asked, "How's your walking?"  "Oh, I haven't even thought about it, so I guess it's fine!"

learning about healthy eating

Last week was another turning point or "defining moment" in my journey to recovery from cancer.  It started with a few days of extreme restlessness.  I was really bored.  I took that as a good sign.  For a long time I've had only enough energy to think about my own little world and to manage one day at a time.  Now I was reading newspapers and The Banner which made think about all kinds of things "out there".  I wanted to get out there and live life and do things,  but didn't know if I'd have enough energy to manage them.

Then on Tuesday some friends came to visit. They're dealing with their own health issues, but don't seem to let that limit them a lot.  They continue travelling, visiting, and staying involved in activities. Their visit was a real inspiration to me.  While lying in bed that night going over the day, I decided it was time for me to get out and do something on my own.  And so on Wednesday morning I hopped on the bus and subway and went to Wellspring (cancer support centre) to attend a Relaxation and Visualization session which had come highly recommended by a number of people. And it felt so good to be out on my own for part of the day.

Gerard and I are generally very independent of each other, often doing our own things.  But with my stroke-like symptoms, and then the diagnosis and treatments, that all changed.  He became the caregiver, taking total responsibility for my care and for our household.  For some time I was completely dependent on him emotionally, for making decisions, for taking me places, for making arrangements and for providing for us.  We did everything and went everywhere together.  And that was good while I was not well enough to take care of myself - it was wonderful, actually.  I've never felt dependent on anyone like that before.

I am so thankful for Gerard being in my life!  This illness is teaching me to accept love and help and support from people and to learn to be on the receiving end of things.  It is teaching me about God's love and grace too; gifts that need to be received.  I can't always just do things on my own and for myself.

practicing yoga with DVD's from the library

Now I can feel things starting to shift.  I have more energy and my brain is starting to feel more focussed.  I just needed to go out and prove to myself that I could actually go somewhere and do something on my own. Sounds like a two-year-old!   And that worked, and so now I'm not so restless anymore.

Then our very busy weekend started with some potentially good news from the radiation oncologist.  Once it started to sink in that this might actually be good news I thoroughly enjoyed the whole energizing weekend.  It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off my mind, although I'm still being very cautiously optimistic.  I really hope that at our appointment tomorrow night the good news will be confirmed. 

The only thing that concerns me now is that my right eye has been fogging over a bit the last few days, the way it did two years ago before the eye surgery.  I keep thinking that I need to clean my glasses, but they are clean.  Hope this is just temporary.  Except for some pain around my left eye that comes and goes depending on how tired or stressed I am, I feel so well - not completely back to normal, but on my way there! The chemo symptoms are pretty well gone. At times I can't imagine that I have cancer! in my brain!

I feel like I'm almost better and ready to get on with life again, except first we still have to go through the radiation.  People have told me that fatigue is a big side-effect of radiation.  So I may have to slow down and adjust to another "new normal" again for a while.  We'll see.  For now I'm enjoying every day of good health and energy.

"Please Don't Be Discouraged"

Just saw myself doing yoga on CBC News television! What happened is that when I went to the Wellspring cancer support centre this afternoon for a gentle yoga class, there was a CBC camera crew there to film and interview cancer survivors in connection with Jack Layton's death this morning.

I was sad this morning to hear that another person had lost the battle with cancer - a person who had so much to offer and so much more life to live.  One of the things I admired about Jack Layton was the way he went on living life to the fullest, despite his cancer. Just two days before he died, he was still thinking of other people and of the future.  This quote is a paragraph from his "last letter to Canadians":

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.   - Jack Layton, Leader of the New Democratic Party of Canada

Another productive morning in the kitchen

zucchini bread and muffins, carrot-pineapple salad and a green smoothie

What a Weekend!

What a great weekend!

It started out with a visit to our church camp-out at Sibbald Provincial Park on Friday. We rested and read in the shade at the beach by ourselves for the afternoon and then joined those who were camping for dinner, a walk to the "rocky beach", and then a good time around the campfire. Didn't get home until 11:15 pm! The weather was gorgeous, and now looking back over the last three days, we were at the campground at the very best time, weather-wise. 

relaxing at the rocky beach

On Saturday we went to the Duiker family BBQ up between Barrie and Orillia.  Always good to have an event like this to catch up with family again.  One of our nieces had a special cake made up for the occasion.  Apparently at Sobey's they'll scan a photo and then print it on edible rice paper and put it on a cake.  This is the family's immigration picture.  I've never seen anything like this before!  What a great idea, Annette!

It seemed a shame to cut up and eat the picture, but it was fun to have a cake like this and a great conversation starter!  I ended up with pictures of my sisters-in-law, Ann and Rose on my piece.

Ann & Rose

On the way home we drove through some torrential down pours! and then went to the airport to meet our niece Karen.  By the time we got home and heard a few of her experiences it was a second late night. 

And today was yet another exciting day - first to church this morning and then this afternoon John and Anna visited.  We saw Karen's pictures and heard stories of her 5-week experience in China.  The three of them left with a van loaded with two beds, a book case and a desk that they're borrowing from us to use at university. Seeing their van loaded up like that brought back memories of the many times we moved our own kids with a van loaded with  furniture at the beginning and end of each university year.

  

So here it is, Sunday evening already - the end of three busy and wonderful days.  Lots of travelling, visiting, and late nights and I'm still feeling fine.  I don't know where all this energy is coming from.  I haven't felt like this since I was on steroids in February and March (and I'm not on them now).  It feels wonderful!  Thank you, Lord!  What a weekend!

I Think We Got Good News Today

I think we got good news from our radiation oncologist this morning.  Dr. McKenzie seemed just a little frustrated that the MRI report was written in such technical language that he couldn't completely interpret what it was saying.  He told us there was no mention of lesions (tumours) and so he thinks that must mean they're gone.  It did say there were still some T-2 signals, which he said might indicate some inflammation.  But bottom line, he is going back to the radiologist for a version of the report "in English" - something he can understand and explain to us.

Our next appointment is next Wednesday (Aug. 24) at which time we'll hear the MRI results, get more details about the radiation,  have a CT scan, and prepare a mask which is supposed to prevent me from moving my head around during radiation. 

So, I guess we wait until next Wednesday.  It was kind of an anti-climactic experience this morning, thinking we would hear "the big news" and then not really knowing anything for sure.  But as we left, both the doctor and the nurse assured us that we should be interpreting what we heard as good news.  And gradually it is starting to register that we probably did hear good news today!

Something new at the cancer clinic today - on this chart you can now see where you are in line to see your doctor.  From left - right:  Doctor's name, number of patients to be seen, patient number being seen right now, and which appointment time the doctor is working on at the moment (if they keep the chart up to date).  After having it posted for months, they finally had this chart in use today, and then we got called in half an hour ahead of our appointment!  Yay, Dr. Mackenzie!

Now we're off for the afternoon and evening to visit our church group that's camping at Sibbald for the weekend. And then tomorrow we go north of Barrie for a Duiker reunion and then to pick up niece Karen from the airport, on her way back from China. Lots of excitement! Have a good weekend!

Do Not Be Afraid; Do Not Be Discouraged

(my thoughts have been feeling jumbled the last few days, so I'm not sure where this is going or whether it will make much sense...)

There, just finished vacuuming the basement (after dinner). This morning I met Gerard at the pool and we bought some peaches at the farmers market and then went home and vacuumed and washed the floors. This doesn't happen very often - the washing the floors part, I mean. I think I've been burning off some nervous energy today because...

Tomorrow morning we go to see the radiation oncologist to hear the results of last week's MRI, or basically to find out what's left of the tumors, if anything, and what they still need to do with radiation.

Up until this week I haven't really thought about this appointment very much or very seriously. I was figuring that we're only halfway the treatment. Now we find out what's left of the tumors and then go on with the second half of the treatment - radiation this time. Then someone offered the perspective of the chemo being the main treatment and the radiation being to clean up whatever is left over, making these MRI results seem more critical. On and off today I've been anxious about tomorrow and then I'm fine again.

My emotions are all over the place and unpredictable these days. Like this morning I was feeling so healthy and strong and confident and then this afternoon after my nap I started thinking about tomorrow and just fell apart emotionally again. It makes me feel so vulnerable. I just never know what to expect.

Today's page on my inspirational calendar says, The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you: He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 11:8  Good timing! I needed to hear that this afternoon.

3 weeks of growth of the sweet william seeds (with a few bigger radish? plants)

my last chemo growing project 

Sometimes I'm so pre-occupied with myself and dealing with this cancer situation and then I start worrying and getting scared.  And then I think of all the people in the world who live with constant fear or pain or hunger due to war, famine, abuse, torture, or whatever. And here I am living with cancer, but in safety and comfort, never in pain or hungry, and with loving and supportive family and community all around me. It's all relative.

How do other people deal with all the things that happen in their lives? Since I was diagnosed with cancer I've started to hear lots of people's stories and it seems that everyone is dealing with something. I'm certainly not the only one! Does everyone experience this feeling of having their life turned upside-down and inside out like me? How does everyone else keep going?  Where have I been all these years?

There have been times when I wished and even prayed for something to shake my life up a bit because I felt too complacent and comfortable. Something didn't feel right. I was told, "Be careful what you wish or pray for." Well, now I have something that has definitely shaken up my life!  Now I guess the question is, how do I respond to it or what do I do with it?

On August 6 my little calendar said,
There are three possible outcomes of a crisis: a change for the better, a change for the worse, or a return to the previous level of functioning. The word 'crisis' is rich with meaning. The Chinese term for crisis (weiji) is made up of two symbols: one is for danger and the other for opportunity.

I don't want to go back to my previous level of functioning. I'd like this crisis to bring change for the better, but the process of change is challenging!  I can't do this on my own.  I don't need to do this on my own.

The other night I ran across Psalm 42. It's amazing how the writer swings from despair and depression to confidence and hope in God from verse to verse. That kind of sounds like me these days. And so I went on greatly encouraged by the following verses:
4,5: Take courage, my soul! Do you remember those times (but how could you ever forget them!) when you led a great procession to the Temple on festival days, singing with joy, praising the Lord? Why then be downcast? Why be discouraged and sad? I shall yet praise him again. Yes, I shall again praise him for his help.
6: ...but I will meditate upon your kindness...
8: yet day by day the Lord also pours out his steadfast love upon me, and through the night I will sing his songs and pray to God who gives me life.

11: But, O my soul, don't be discouraged. Don't be upset. Expect God to act! For I know I shall again have plenty of reason to praise him for all that he will do. He is my help! He is my God!

one of the first large (8 inch) hibiscus flowers to open this week

Last Friday's MRI, Etc.

Just finished lunch and am now sitting in our glider rocker with the I-Pad on my lap trying to decide what to write. Maybe I'll just start with some random little updates and see what happens.

1.  First of all, in response to the many questions about last Friday's MRI, it was completely uneventful! No allergic reaction to the contrast dye this time, thanks to your prayers and the medications I had to take before the test. They only scanned my head and we hope to hear the results from our radiation oncologist this Friday, Aug.19

Some people get claustrophobic in the MRI machine. You lie on your back on a kind of table that gets moved into a long narrow opening in the machine. The "ceiling" of the tube is just a few inches from your face. I had never opened my eyes in there before, but this time I did and saw there was light and could feel fresh air moving through and then just closed my eyes again. Fortunately no problem with claustrophobia for me in there.

They give you a "panic button" to squeeze in case you need to alert them to anything, ear plugs to protect your ears from the jack hammer-like sounds of the machine, and they talk you through the procedure over a speaker from where they are sitting behind a window in the next room.

About 3/4 of the way through the procedure they injected the dye into my IV and the thought crossed my mind to be worried about having a reaction, but after that the first thought that came into my mind (just like during my other MRI's) was, "Thank you, Lord, for these amazing machines! Thank you, Lord for these amazing machines!" Over and over again. I've never been very excited about machines, but this has happened during every cancer-related MRI and CT scan I've had so far.

And the other thought that came was that Janny (a lady from our church who is also going through cancer treatments right now) told me she sings the song that her grandchildren sing, " Be bold, be strong, for the Lord your God is with you!". So that's what I sang to myself too and that's how I entertained myself in there.

bowl full of goodies from the farmers market

2. In other news: my hair is starting to grow back in! I can't believe how excited I am about that! My very short hair is starting to feel thicker and stronger and getting a little frizzy and wavy and it's all coming in white. Last night a few rain drops landed on my head. Lately that would have gone straight through to my scalp. Now they just stayed on the surface of my hair and then ran off! The little joys of life!  I still don't know whether I'll lose my hair again during radiation, but I guess we'll find out when the time comes. 

3.  On Saturday evening Gerard and I went to Ashbridges Bay and walked 5 km along the board walk. There was activity everywhere; people cycling, in-line skating, strolling, playing tennis, flying a kite, barbecuing, playing beach volleyball, selling jewelry, eating ice cream, relaxing on the beach, kids and dogs playing in the water... It was a wonderful change of scene from home.  Good to be out there!  And it wasn't until almost the end of the walk that I realized I hadn't been thinking about my walking - it was just happening all by itself. Maybe the transmission lines in my brain are re-establishing themselves, or have been cleared?

4.  Yesterday we went to Stratford to visit my parents and give them a big hug. My mom seems to be slowly recovering from a reaction to some new medication she was on, but we're still not sure what exactly is going on. She's still lying on the couch all day, looking feeble and frail, but she hasn't lost her smile and sense of humour. My dad is lovingly taking care of her and just had his first full night of sleep in weeks. My brother John from California is visiting them for a while to provide some support and to just be there together and my brother Jeff lives in the same complex so he's very close by all the time.

5.  On and off again this past week I've been frustrated by the fact that I have cancer right now. What terrible timing! I guess illness never comes at a convenient time, but I've been available to help my parents for years, and now when they finally actually need some help, I'm not strong enough emotionally to be there with them (there, got that rant off my chest!).

At our mission our director of ministry always asks us, "What is God teaching you about His love in this situation?" and... "How is God using this situation for your good and the good of others? (all things work together for good for those who love God.)". I'm trying to think of this experience from that perspective instead of letting myself get frustrated and upset. I'm also reminding myself that there are other family members willing and able to help out. And mostly that's working, but it's been a lot of up and down emotions in that area this week.

the perennials are doing fine

6.  Considering all the talking and writing and photographing I've been doing about my garden, and the amount of time I've spent out there, we're getting pretty slim pickings of produce from it this year - a few stalks of rhubarb here; a handful of cherry tomatoes or green beans there; snippings of basil, parsley, and chives, a few leaves of spinach and swiss chard for green smoothies, but lots of leaf lettuce. O well... The perennial flowers are making up for the lack of produce. And I'm very thankful that my treatments have mostly been during the gardening season. Just looking around and working out there has been very therapeutic. What a God-send!

Hi! I'm Back

Hi there!  I'm back; back from the garden, the phone, the pantry, the beach, a funeral, church, shopping, a few walks, visiting with friends and dealing with various chemo-related symptoms.  These last five days have been relatively low-key and low-energy days with a burst of energy every once in a while and my emotions all over the place.  The chemo seemed to be affecting mostly my head, especially my left eye this past week,  so I haven't done much reading and have mostly avoided the computer.  Things are  settling down and getting better now.

surprise!  rhubarb is sending out new shoots - looks like spring!

My mom wasn't doing very well the last few weeks. She was getting allergic or panic attacks every night and unable to eat.  At the advice of various family members my dad finally called 911 during an attack and so she ended up in the hospital yesterday for observation and tests.   It looks as if she might have been reacting to a medication she was on.  She's doing so much better already since she's skipped the pills for two days.  Such a relief and such a blessing! 

I really wanted to go to be with my parents and help out in some way, but just had to accept the fact that I wasn't up to it.  That's hard to accept.  I had always hoped to be there for my parents as they are aging, and right now I can't.  Thankfully there are other family members near enough and available right now to support them. 

productive Monday morning in the kitchen

zucchini bread and muffins and tabouleh salad



We're back to another burst of sorting and cleaning - the pantry/cold storage this time. We had no choice. On Monday all of a sudden there was a terrible smell in there! - spoiling onions or rotting potatoes? a rotting dead animal? Gerard took a quick look at all the obvious spots but found nothing. We closed the door and decided it could wait until "tomorrow".

the now almost empty "play room" comes in handy for sorting "stuff"

So yesterday was "tomorrow".  With new energy Gerard pulled out all the contents, including the shelving and most of the styrofoam insulation.  We smelled and inspected each bag and box and item.  Only a musty smell, but nothing that smelled like anything rotting.  The rotting smell seemed concentrated in the SE corner. We looked everywhere - still found nothing, In the end we just opened the window and kept the door to the basement open all night and this morning it smells much fresher. As the wind came through the little window just now I smelled the rotten smell again.  Is there something  outside?  Still wondering...

removing the styrofoam insulation



Our pantry is located under our front porch.  It really needs some work, but we don't feel like doing it right now, so we just sorted and purged and put back everything we still use and wanted to keep.  Our recycling and garbage bins are both filled to overflowing!  So, another area of the house cleaned up!  Feels good!

This morning I worked outside for about two hours and finished another project - turning over the whole compost heap and removing things that weren't decomposing.  Look what I found!

I buried this bag either two or three summers ago, just to see if it really was 100 % compostable as they claimed, but it still looks exactly as it did when I buried it!  Then I read the small print and it says, "...it breaks down completely into compost in a hot active compost pile".  Hmmm... our pile is not hot and I don't think it's all that active either.  In turning it over I only saw one worm and six inches below the surface everything was completely dry.    It used to be crawling with worms and used to give us lots of beautiful rich compost. I guess it needs a little more attention - more water and more aeration.  It used to be active all by itself!

And one last news flash:  we finally have radishes - as in real round red radishes - after trying for about fifteen years!

 

Radishes used to be fool-proof;  guaranteed to grow.  My dad gave us radish seeds for our garden because they grew so fast and we loved to eat them.  Instant satisfaction for young gardeners!  But for years I haven't been able to grow them.  Each spring I try and all I get is leaves and straggly thin red roots which I end up pulling and tossing on the compost heap.  This time I threw some seeds on the edge of a flower bed out front in the full sun where hardly anything else wants to grow and guess what!  Finally, some real round red radishes!

A Taste of Our Dutch Heritage

Henry & Melanie in front of the Dutch store

Gerard and I both immigrated to Canada from The Netherlands with our parents when we were five and nine years old respectively. In those days we didn't want to stand out as being different. We desperately wanted to be "Canadian" and so did our parents.

My Dad made sure we learned English as soon as possible and wanted us to speak English at home so that my mom would learn it too. Somehow a lot of Dutch traditions got dropped in our efforts to be Canadian.

It wasn't until I visited the home of one of my college room mates that, for the very first time, I met someone who was really proud of her Dutch heritage! Her grand or great grand parents had come over to The States from Holland. With great pride she showed me their "Dutch wall" - all kinds of pictures and items from Holland. This attitude was totally new to me!

our own "Dutch wall"

Gerard and I never speak Dutch to each other. We don't shop at the Dutch store. We both had most of our schooling in Canada. We didn't realize how Dutch we actually were until we got two Canadian daughters-in-law.

They commented on our strange custom of hanging a birthday calendar in the bathroom near the toilet! And they love the big deal we make of birthdays - colorful garlands (slingers) and all - and the way we elaborately go about opening our Christmas gifts. And who ever heard of eating birthday cake before dinner! That's supposed to be for dessert. And we're wondering: cake for dessert?

Through their questions they're helping us define what our Dutch traditions are. What are some Dutch wedding traditions? Why don't you open your gifts on Christmas morning? What are some typically Dutch foods? And they're helping us to value our traditions and heritage.

For Melanie's birthday in March we promised to take her out for lunch at the Dutch store and to buy her a birthday calendar of her choice. Well, you know what happens with those promissory notes - we finally went yesterday because we happened to be in the area for a funeral.

pea soup and croquettes

We enjoyed pea soup, ham and Dutch cheese sandwiches, croquettes and raisin bread. It was fun to see all the Delft blue pottery, the Dutch foods, and Dutch everything. A little taste of our Dutch heritage!

Melanie checking out the birthday calendars

Processing Passing of Nephew-in-law

It feels like I've been so busy living life these last days (which is probably a good thing) that I haven't taken the time to sit and reflect on it or to write about it. And sometimes it's easier to write about pinecones than to figure out and put into words some other things that are going on.

On Monday we woke up to the shocking news that the husband of Gerard's niece had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away the night before; Frank Michael Bobesich, 35-year old husband of our niece, Shauna, and father of little Justin and Adam. After dealing with cancer for the past six years, being in and out of remission, working on and off, having a stem cell transplant, and getting a clean bill of health regarding his cancer just this past Friday, he passed away on Sunday evening

We attended the funeral home viewing on Thursday evening with Mark, and the funeral on Friday with Henry and Melanie. It was a beautiful uplifting funeral service in a Roman Catholic Church, but it sure was heart wrenching to see Shauna looking devastated, clinging to her little boy and followed by her parents with her other little son between them, as they all
followed the casket out of church.

We hardly knew Frank and had not spent much time with Shauna lately either, but Henry shared a town house with her in Waterloo for a year and we know John & Ann Rupke, her parents, very well. We're all family and when one suffers we all suffer together - that's family. I've been thinking about this situation and about Shauna and the boys, and her parents constantly since we heard the devastating news.

If you're looking for answers today, you will not find them here, the priest said. It's hard to understand why God would take away such a young man with so much life potentially ahead of him, a loving husband and the father of two young children. And then I'm thinking of elderly people who say, "I'm ready to go and meet my Lord. I've had a good life and I'm tired and want to go "home". Why wouldn't God take someone who's ready to go, rather than a young person like Frank who would so much like to live? I guess we'll never know. We don't know what god has in mind in the grand scheme of things.

This makes me realize once again, how fragile life is and how quickly everything that we easily take for granted can change. It makes me marvel at how wonderfully and intricately our bodies are made and what a miracle it is that they function as well as they do most of the
time.

And then of course it also makes me question my own mortality. Frank made the most of the time he had. He didn't give up and didn't want to burden people with all the ins and out of his illness. He fought to live life to the end until he was taken from us. He had just been given a clean bill of health and three days later his lungs filled with fluid and he died!

That could happen to me. I am feeling so well and am living as if I'm going to get better. Except for the chemo symptoms I feel so well! I must be getting better! But when I think of Frank, I wonder whether I'm deceiving myself. Will the same thing happen to me? Should I have been in those crowds of people yesterday and today? Could I have caught something with all the hugging and handshaking?

Thinking about all these things makes me feel vulnerable. Two weeks have already passed of my month of August "off". This means I still have more weeks off, but it also means the MRI is only a week away and the results of that only another week away and then we start planning for the radiation - a big scary unknown to me at this point.

I try not to think of these things too much because worrying about the unknown doesn't help any. But sometimes when I'm tired, or we've just been to a funeral, like today, then it's a little harder to stay positive, to leave it all in God's hands and to live just one day at a time.

I Love Pine Cones!

There's something about pine cones that fascinates me.  Along with acorns, pussy willow catkins, chestnuts, sea shells and stones, they're one of the things that I love to pick up and put in my pocket or on my desk or in the window sill above the kitchen sink - any place where I can see and enjoy them.

When you look at cones from the tip down, they look just like flowers.

   
When they get wet, they close.  This one (below) was lying on our patio table and closed up from the rain a few days ago.

I brought it inside and put it on the kitchen counter where I could watch it.  It took three whole days for it to dry up and open again.  I'm tempted to wet it and watch it go through the whole routine again.

When I attended Calvin College I used to walk around the seminary pond in the fall and pick up new cones that had just fallen from the trees and that were still closed.  Then I'd keep them on my desk and gradually (I'm not sure how long it took - maybe a month or longer?) they would dry up and start popping open. Sometimes I could actually hear them cracking and popping.  I think that's how they spread their seeds.  Great entertainment while I was studying!

Sometimes I'd wet them, they'd close, and then I'd watch them open again, much faster than the first time.  I know, it doesn't take much to entertain me sometimes.  They're just so beautiful and fascinating!  

Last Chemo Growing Project Started

I just put seeds in the garden for the last chemo growing project. And this time it's ....   (drum roll please!) sweet williams!  Yes,  I was finally able to locate some seeds.  Here's the story...

sweet williams

About a month ago I was visiting our neighbour across the street.  She pointed out her sweet williams and reminded me that she got seeds from me years ago when I used to have lots of sweet williams every year and they looked so beautiful in my garden.  I had forgotten all about growing them.  So when I got home I suddenly thought, "That's it!  Sweet williams will be my next chemo growing project!" 

And the perfect thing about it is that to have flowers next year you have to seed them now.  The plants will be just big enough in October to survive the winter and bear flowers next spring/early summer.  There are not too many things that you can seed at this time of year, so this is perfect for my last chemo growing project (remember, I was planning to grow something new after each round of chemo?).  The picture above is borrowed from the internet.  Hopefully next spring I can show you pictures of our own flowers.

So a few weeks ago I went looking for sweet william seeds, but the stores I checked were no longer carrying seed packages.  Now what?  I'd just have to find someone who is growing them now.   Then this morning our neighbour was out in her front yard.  I wandered over to chat and got invited in for tea, which resulted in a tour of the house and of the garden.  Eventually we landed up back in front of the sweet williams where she told me that she had just gathered some seeds from those plants this morning.  Perfect!  So I asked if she might have a few to spare.  "Of course!  I got them from you!"

I came home with sweet william seeds, a zuchinni, and a small purple coneflower plant. The plant and seeds have already found a home in the garden.  Now I have to come up with an idea for this zuchinni, and the one I got on Sunday.  Any suggestions?

Long Weekend

Here we are - it's Monday evening of the long weekend already! Gerard is quickly mowing the lawn now that it's a little cooler outside and before it gets dark. Time to take down the flag that we fly every long weekend of the summer - just for fun.

A long weekend doesn't really make much difference for us now that we're both home full-time anyway, but we almost always stay in town on long weekends just to avoid the heavy traffic coming and going from the city. This weekend we're looking after one family's hanging plant and another family's betta fish.  It feels good to be able to do something for someone else for a change, even if they are only little things, at least it's getting beyond my own little world.

and here's "Finlay" - the betta fish

While this fish is here I've been doing a bit of research on whether I'm supposed to change the water and found some interesting facts about betta fish. Did you know that they are native to central Asia where they live in rice paddies? During the dry season they are able to survive in tiny puddles in the fields because they have a special breathing system that allows them to get oxygen directly from the air, rather than from the muddy water. Isn't God's creation amazing?!

We've had a good weekend - mostly just relaxing around the house.  On Friday evening we walked over to our local city square and enjoyed the weekly family entertainment there.  I watched a group of kids with hoola hoops for a long time.  Really fun!  We try to get out for a walk every evening, and the other night I was saying to Gerard, "In February, who would ever have thought I'd be doing this well by now?!- we've had six bonus months already!" 

Sunday was a great day! I woke up early with the idea that I needed to prepare some soup because today was going to be hospitality Sunday at our house. We could invite some people from church over for lunch. I get all these big inspirations when I wake up early... so there I was at 6 am - in the kitchen preparing sweet potato curry soup! We invited five people and so we hosted after-church-guests for the first time in a long time! It was wonderful! We had a good time of fellowship over lunch.

These organic vegetables were not harvested from our garden or bought at the local farmer's market, but we got them at church on Sunday!  First I was offered the flowers that were in church this week, then someone gave me a bag of homegrown carrots (she'd read my blog entry about looking for organic vegetables) and then someone else gave me a homegrown zuchinni!  We arrived home with our arms full of gifts!

I'm beginning to notice a shift in how I'm feeling.  The other day Gerard mentioned that he's noticed me taking an interest in and talking about things that I haven't paid any attention to for months.  I'm feeling so well now that I'm starting to be able to get beyond my own self-centered little world of how I'm feeling and coping, and just getting a little bit back to "normal".  I remember my sister talking about this when she had cancer.  Sometimes she was so tired of dealing with and thinking about herself and all her medical appointments, but you just can't really help it at certain stages of your diagnosis or illness.

I don't want to bore you with all kinds of details, and at the same time people keep asking me how I'm doing and saying they appreciate my blog and to keep writing, and I did offer to share my journey with cancer, so I don't really know what to write sometimes - like now.

It feels really good to be feeling so well.  At the same time it's frustrating because now I have the energy to dream of doing more - like jumping in the car and driving myself to wherever I'd like to go or getting involved in things that I'm not ready for.  Gerard is fine with bringing me wherever I'd like to go, but sometimes I'd just like the freedom to go by myself, but I don't trust myself to drive.  He's also still mostly in charge of running the household.  I do what I can, and sometimes I can get a whole meal together or vacuum the whole house and other times I can't.

There are lots of things that aren't back to "normal" yet.  My reactions are slower, my vision is still affected by the chemo, my energy is limited or unpredictable, I can only do one thing at a time and can handle only so much activity and stimulation around me.  Like when we were at Mel Lastman Square, at a certain point I just had to get out of there.  It all gets too much and then I almost feel physically sick.  I can't run either.  It's happened a couple of times that I thought a car was coming my way as I was crossing the street and I wanted to run, but then the message just doesn't get from my brain to my feet to get moving faster so I don't always dare to cross the big wide streets by myself.  I can walk quite well and for good distances, but every once in a while (some days or parts of days) I have to intentionally move my legs and  place my feet and pay attention to where I'm going, especially if I'm looking off to the side while walking. 

The chemo is still working - which is a good thing, I guess.  I can feel the effects shifting around to different parts of my body.  It happens at different times of the day.  Sometimes I don't feel anything.  Then all of a sudden my teeth will hurt, or my mouth becomes very sensitive, my right little finger or my left foot will feel numb or tingly, or Gerard says, "you have your chemo voice." In the last two weeks I've had three times when all of a sudden my whole body was extremely itchy and twice I broke out into hives for no apparent reason.  When I get tired or I've been on the computer too long or reading a lot then I can feel a kind of bruised feeling behind my eyes and in my sinusus or my head starts to hurt.  When these chemo effects start to bother me I eat a piece of toast, and oddly enough, that helps to make the symptoms subside. 

But comparing that to where I thought I would be - really weak and sick from chemo, or maybe not even surviving the cancer, then I'm feeling really well and I can already do a lot. And I'm thankful for that every single day. So with August "off" and me feeling so well, it kind of feels like a new lease on life. Looking forward to the next few weeks!